all that is left

The best revelation about this lone journey is that what I find is _all_ me. No more making excuses or looking outward for answers. The biggest difference is being able to decipher between truth and simply noise.

Everyday interactions take on more meaning because they are constant calibrations of where I am at any given moment. This sense of magic and freedom is not new, but it is refreshing to feel it again when I least expect it.

A sense of well being is a constant because being connected to our true selves is empowering.

Nothing like returning to true self to end the year on a high note!

read, set...

Finally found the motivation to go for it in my career.

It's as if a switch has been turned on, and I am fired up!

It is somewhat luck as I have been spending a lot of time with a couple of business school alums. It's true, we are easily influenced by our peers, so choose our company carefully.

I pride myself on knowing a lot of people, but at any given point, I am truly close to just a couple. That's part of my intuition, knowing who to spend time with and to allow those people to influence my path.

As for my personal life, I am always the one who is more understanding. Have to be patient for that special person who can be a true equal. Hum...

Pollyanna

Had some people judging me of late, commenting that my cherry outlook may be a front and unhealthy in the long run.

Well, thank you very much Mr. and Ms. Reality-Check!

I suppose it is a bit tiring to hear me always be positive despite everything. All the ups and downs are enough to make one sour.

Rather than avoiding all the bumps in the road, I believe that my optimism is genuine because I have figured out a system to weather every challenge that comes my way.

There isn't one answer, and the number one secret to my positive attitude is acceptance. By understanding that everything has to happen in its own way, I can let go of the worries that come with expectations.

Instead of expecting too much and grappling with disappointments, I continue to prepare myself and arm myself with skills and information.

I can be optimistic because most of my time is filled with learning and creating good habits. So many of my hobbies have served me well because they give me an outlet and foster relationships. I don't dwell much because I don't give negative energy much time or attention.

Cultivating my spiritual practice has been a big help, but it comes down to being myself. I am optimistic because life has been good to me. I can't imagine a life without the disappointments, confusion, or people who drive me crazy. Still, I have figured out a way to manage it all and stay on top.

So, here's to a good 2008 and a even more fabulous 2009!

addicted to falling in love

Pondered the difference between falling in love and being in love.

Falling in love is the bio-chemical reaction we have to another person. It's completely illogical and scary, but it creates a high better than any drug.

Being in love is the unconditional acceptance of the other person and willingness to stick it out indefinitely.

I fall in love more frequently than most people because I was addicted to the high.

Was.

I am finally ready to find true love and be willing to communicate what I can give to and need to have from a man. I will not settle, but I also welcome the ups and the downs of having a long-lasting relationship.


2009 is going to be a good year, I can already feel it.

don't discredit

In discussing my career with another friend tonight, I realized that I do have motivation, and I have always been serious about my career.

Like everything else, I just do things on my own terms.

Perhaps that independence has hurt me as I am still in the infancy of my career.

No need to beat myself up any further. If anything, I want to remind myself that all the ups and downs in my life is what makes me an excellent manager and employee. I need to be honest with myself and be proud of all that I have done in the last 20 years.

I still remember my very first job as a babysitter. I enjoyed it so much that I took all the business away from the friend whom I subbed for in the first place.

I know what I have to do now, and I will get to it.

Motivation

Had coffee w/guy friend this afternoon. We talked about his latest business idea. I was impressed that like most of my guy friends, he is so motivated.

He broke it down: money or looks. Most women will settle for looks or money. The pressure for men to make bank is to land a hot chick.

Made me ponder about my motivation. I was never career-oriented because my fun life came first. Now, w/o a stable job, my fun is curtailed.

Although I have always been able to do w/little or make do, I am motivated by my expensive lifestyle. More importantly, I crave the excitement of an active life.

Time will tell how this period of limitations will shape me. My optimism got me through the first phase. My family and friends got me through the second phase.

What will be next?

baby steps

Talked to the chief of staff for a newly-elected state legislator who is looking for local staff.

I am over-qualified; the position would require a 70% paycut.

I will turn down the position but plan to meet the chief of staff for a possible volunteering opportunity.

My lifestyle is a responsibility that I take seriously. Having been fortunate enough to afford all the fun, I will not settle in my career.

Ironically, the insistance on being paid for my worth has propelled me forward in my career.

If I have a family, I would not be able to take this latest opportunity either. I feel lucky to be able to enter this world without sacrificing other potential offers.

new found power

Ever since my spiritual class ended, I found myself being able to read energies. I started to match make friends, and I wonder if all the blind dates will result in a match.

One of the techniques that I use is to still myself (easy to do with daily meditation). Once I am still and sure of myself, it is easy to sense other people and be able to read them. I used this technique in the past to assess my romantic relationships, and that's why I am able to end things before they get ugly. I always know when the guy wasn't aligned with me, so I let them go.

Another skill I rely on is to not expect anything when I am around other people. By being totally present, I can sense people's energies and the emotional needs that they put out.

It's been fun to do the energy readings!

I am also more aware of my own expectations and negative emotions, so it is that much easier to let it all go!!

just when I thought I knew

Met lots of people this weekend. A great week of going out and making new friends. After the entire weekend, one guy in particular stood out. I felt something unique when we were talking at a house party, but I didn't think much of it until the end of the weekend.

Late Sunday night, was talking to the host on the phone about him when the guy IMed my friend about me. The guy asked for my number from our friend...and called while I was still on the phone! After an amazing conversation, we made a date for this week.

It's hard to explain these things, but I am trying to be open-minded. This guy is not someone I imagined to be attracted to physically (he doesn't look Asian but is half), and he is younger. Still, I am relying on my intuition to guide me.

Just like the last few dating experiences, it's much easier when I just let my divine self guide me.

connection redefined

Lately, I've been meeting men who exhibit signs of cowardliness. I can empathize with the fear of rejection, but that's why all of them barely makes the friend cut.

I have been focusing on hanging out with very accomplished female friends because I am looking for support during this transition period.

I am finally very clear about what I want in every area of my life, so if I have to be rude and be selective with my company, so be it.

It's odd to know now the difference between kindred spirit and someone who is merely passing by. It's a strange feeling to just let some of the connections fade away, but my gut tells me that I must stay focused on my purpose.

all on my own

I marvel at the opportunities life presented of late. To fully enjoy each moment, whether with people or all on my own, I am grateful and humbled by my fortune.

Trekked to downtown to meet up with a friend after her board meeting. Her meeting ran long, so I was able to wonder through downtown and catch up on reading at a bookstore. It is always such a treat to walk through the crowds and feel completely free.

To have zero responsibilities, to not answer to anyone, and not have to take care of anyone else but me... I am finally ready for partnership and the responsibilities of a family, but those events are just not meant to be right now.

For now, I am going to continue to embrace this phase, and continue to hope for love.

almost good news (!)

As much as I long for a partner, it just isn't happening, for all sorts of reason.

I am not sitting at home crying though.

So many good things have happened recently that I feel excited about what's ahead.

I am not sure whether this means that the job is right around the corner, or that I am about to meet the love of my life. All I know is that something wonderful is about to happen!

I got to hone my intuition. It's almost annoying to have it be so vague, especially when it's positive. ;P

no biggie

Funny episode. Went to pick up a used coffee table off of craigslist today. After I talked to the owner and checked out the table, I walked to my car down the street. For some reason, the key fell from my hand to the ground...into the storm drain!

Fortunately, I am all zen now, so this little mishap was not a problem! I called the seller of the coffee table and asked for a hanger. I walked back and picked up the hanger. I went back to the street corner and fished out my key. Okay, this part took a few minutes, but when one is calm, nothing is difficult.

Moral or the story? You never know what's going to happen, but if you know that you can handle whatever comes your way, life is easy.

Today, I drove home with my newfound treasure with pride, and I also learned how to fish a key out of a storm drain with a metal hanger. Ah-ha!

how easy it is

Now that I am free of all expectations, life is completely different.

First of all, I am utterly happy. Although I have been a fairly optimistic person ever since birth, there is a genuine joy in my daily life. Not working helps, but I am quite motivated to start working again. Not sure if it will be a more traditional job or freelance/contract work to start.

It is also easier than ever to not worry. My daily meditation has allowed me to note negative thoughts and catch myself before I start to worry. By being at peace and not think unnecessarily, I just enjoy being in the present. I highly recommend meditation!

The best part about this spiritual journey is the people and opportunities that it attracts. It is easier than ever to meet people and get things done.

Happy Holidays!!

just like that

So it's a new chapter. No, I didn't find a job yet. My career is still very important to me. My job has always sustained a fabulous lifestyle and gave me the structure to be free-spirited.

What's new is my attitude about the future. I no longer have any expectations, but I have never feel more secure about what's ahead. The confidence I feel inside is my true self, and I am so grateful to reconnect with my inner self.

It is as if everything is coming together, just when I least expect it. I had given myself until 50 to find this inner peace, and it has been marvelous to feel as if I have arrived.

Ironic because of all the uncertainty in my life. Who knew? My peace comes at odd times, and I can't complain but to embrace it.

the meaning of life

The more I make decisions based on intuition, the more I feel at peace.

In my personal and professional life, I've learned to let my gut guide me completely. The results have been fantastic. I have zero regrets and zero doubts. It's liberating because I know every decision is based on gut and not laborious thinking which can be full of error if based on insufficient information.

The gut is amazing because it knows how to fill in the gap. The gut is the connection between the self and the universe, and it leads you to your destiny.

Sometimes, people get uncomfortable with my firm belief in fate. They don't like the suggestion that they are not in control. Oh, quite the opposite. It takes total presence and involvement to be intuitive. Intuition is a dialog with the universe, and it is about creating an effortless state of being.

Have I lost you yet?

When I tell people that life is fated, it simply means that there is a destiny that one will eventually reach. Happiness and joy comes from a match between one's desires and that ultimate plan. Rather than trying hard to figure out what's next and be stressed out or disappointed when things don't go our way, intuition is the guide to match our dreams with the inevitable reality.

That dialog only happens though through focus and attention. One cannot be numb and go through the routine of work and rest. One must get excited and be committed to living one's best life. Spirituality is the practice that create that continual dialog.

Intuition is the key to experience euphoria. It is that certainty that everything is all right. I am very lucky because I feel that peace most of the time now. Part of this blog is the hope that by sharing, the people around me will feel that joy too.

It is hard to achieve peace given the world's lack of focus on spirituality. Still, take responsibility and take control by following your own spiritual journey and discover the peace within.

warmth

Started to network more for work. Still letting things happen on their own but being more focused day-by-day.

Understand that I am suppose to be in this phase of my life, to disengage slightly and start over my way of life.

Thought back fondly that the previous two times of unemployment brought amazing renewal to my life. The first time of being unemployed I found new friendships and the second unemployment led me back to the City. This time, I am finding my true self.

Of course, those periods of disengagement also brought some unpleasant memories. I cannot blame anyone else even though there was pain, but I am stronger for it.

This time around, I try to focus on all the good things. I am spending unprecedented time with people, and the connection is amazing. I feel euphoria even if people are not all upbeat. I finally figured out how to care without taking on other people's emotions.

Who knew? The best way to grow is just to sit back and bask in others' attention.

family tradition

It is rare to see fathers who are more hands on with the kids than the mothers. At a recent holiday dinner, I noticed that all three fathers at the table deferred to their wives to tend to the kids. That was not the case in my family even though my father worked full time. He was the one who made us breakfast, helped with homework, and pointed out the injustices and the realities of the world.

One of the best things about having a nephew is to see the passing of the torch of parenthood from my father to my brother. It makes me so happy to see that my ten-month-old nephew adores his father the way my siblings and I still adore ours.

Character

Having a lot of friends help me judge character, especially in the men in my life.

Whether romantic possibilities or simply a guy friend, the one quality that I dislike above all else is cowardiness.

Unfortunately, I have yet to meet a man who is as fearless as me.

Does that mean I am doomed and will be single forever? All I ask is that this man be strong enough that he can handle whatever comes his way.

Maybe in another 10 years...

be the light - part two

Although the breakup of this past week was disappointing because of his cowardliness, I chose to end it on a neutral note and put it behind me. The last conversation was like any other, except without the enthusiasm or making future plans. Neither one of us mentioned the actual breakup, but there was a mutual understanding that he and I will not speak or see each other further.

One concept in my spiritual practice is the flow of energy between people. If you are faced with negative energy, the key is to be grounded and to let it flow through. If you respond to the negative energy, you will attract more of it.

I firmly believe that most people who behave badly is because they were treated badly at one point. They were taught that it's okay to hurt other people, or they suffered and thus learned to lash out as a result. I don't want to contribute to that negative energy and attack the person who caused me pain. (Well, I more than cleared the negative energy by venting to my poor friends and family...)

So this little episode of horror will be on its way, because I want to let go of the negative energy and turn the tides. I want to think positively and remember the good times and look forward to finding the right person.

be the light

I have always been very public with my life, including with communications breakdown with the latest guy. Rather than trying to hide the ups and downs, I am open about it all because it allows me to move forward peacefully.

Lately, one common theme I noticed in meeting new people (especially the singles) is that the baggage from past breakups and insecurities can be a big part of their identity. The inability of letting go of the past can weight them down.

I get caught up by my past too, but being very open has a therapeutic effect. By telling the story of my boo-boos a few times to different friends, my wounds often heal quite quickly. It does help to have loved ones help laugh off the unexplained events.

The key is to not project negativity on the other parties involved, especially if I don't understand. Other people's decisions, words, and actions are for me to accept. Any rejection or projected anger/frustration only fuel the negative energy.

It isn't easy to be uplifted and let the unpleasant feelings wash through. Still, having had so much practice dealing with challenges in my professional and personal lives does make life a lot easier.

I never expected to be unemployed and single, but life has gotten much easier because I have found my peace.

sad day

Being intuitive can be a curse, especially when it comes to awareness of rejection.

Hit that first wall with the new guy. Can't be helped, but I have to accept.

A bit sadden by the possibility of the end. At least my feelings will guide me into handling what's next...or what will not be.

Sigh...

being present

One of the key concepts from my spiritual practice is to live in the moment. To be present is to take the time to enjoy focus on one thing at a time.

One of the best things about being unemployed is that I am making time for things I once thought too time consuming. I watch a blockbuster for the first time in months because I had a lot of time during my trip to San Diego. It was so leisurely to sit through all the previews.

The notion of wasting time is no longer a concern because I am simply in the moment and allowing myself to be present.

I am making time for people and things although I am planning and doing less. Rather than trying to make time for everyone, I simply make plans when I am in someone's neighborhood or if people contact me first.

There is a certain flow to my days, and I know that everything is truly meant to be.

To live in this moment is to appreciate life as is.

That gut feeling

As long as I can remember, I had a strong sense of self. Doing things my own way is being me.

In this world where most things are measured by set standards, being different has not been easy.

Instead of doing things in order or play it safe, I take one risk after another. It's impossible for me to accept status quo or what is ordinary.

The upside is that I have forgotten how to worry or judge myself. It's liberating to focus on my own wants and desire. It's also easy to be generous because I choose to give.

Life has rewarded me by providing numerous opportunities. I worked at interesting jobs, traveled, loved, and had my heart broken and mended several times.

This spiritual journey is what's next. I am glad for this break. The best is yet to come.

power of a woman

Some of my girlfriends are feeling the inevitable effects of aging: men stopped calling. With mostly traditional roles of wife and mother offered as necessary for happiness, I can sense some of the sadness setting in.

Since when do independent capable women need a man to be complete?

Fortunately, I have several women in my life who have not followed traditional paths. By choice or by fate, these wome, all over 45, who don't have husbands or kids and are leading impressive lives. From my female relatives and friends, I also know that having a partner and kids may cause unhappiness rather than bring fulfillment.

The key to happiness is the balance of accepting reality and taking control. A woman must accept herself completely and stand up for what she wants. She must be aware of the social beliefs and attitudes surrounding her, however unfair, and make her own rules.

It is healthy to hope for love, but to expect it will only bring misery. It's a fine line between needing a man and wanting a man. I hope to always be able to enjoy having a guy in my life, but I have been without it enough to know that it's not a sure thing.

So let the men call or not call. Life goes on, and a woman must go on living her life to fullest, man or no man.

look at him now

"People have been doubting me my whole life. Nothing new. I'm not going to hold it against them. If they doubt me, let them watch and see what the end result is. I don't let them bring me down like they used to." Tim Lincecum, 2008 Cy Young Award winner

to love is to let go

Caught up with some friends who didn't know about the last breakup or the new man in my life. The transition has been quiet because I finally learned how to let life happen naturally.

Dating is now much easier for me than before because I expect little from the men in my life. I can enjoy a person's company when they are meant to be in my life, and I can let go of that person when we no longer share the destiny to be together.

It's hard at times to let go of that connection, but I always trust my gut to guide me as to what to do next, especially when it comes to relationships.

More than ever, I am clear about who I am and where I am going. Stayed tuned for more interesting development...

history in the making

Just listened to Obama's speech as he embarks on his presidency. The election confirms my belief that one must rise and meet one's destiny.

For me, that destiny is doing less right now.

I am so grateful for this time of disengagement. By just taking it easy, a lot of things have happened naturally and easily, from relationships to health, I feel lucky to have the opportunity to refocus on what's truly important.

Work will happen in due time. For now, it's time with the people who matter.

social commentating

For many friends, creating a stellar career and finding love seem to be the necessary ingredients to find happiness.

Lately, due to my unemployment, I have been able to observe how people let not achieving career goals or a life partner get them down.

Rather than focusing on voids, why can't our lives be about celebrating what is?

Why do we live in this culture that is always chasing after what might not rather than bestowing gratitude on ourselves for simply being?

Rather than reading about how much money other people are making or watching unrealistic romance movies, why doesn't everyone know about the science research that proved the only indicator of happiness is gratitude, not even health?!

Feeling the pain of others makes me sad because I don't want to deny their feelings. At the same time, I wish everyone can let go of that pain and focus on enjoying the present. By not expecting and simply live moment by moment, happiness will come in the form of peace within.

fired up

One of the best things about disconnecting from everything is that I can fully engage in what excites me.

It's as if I have a clean slate and can just build my life from scratch again.

I do feel lucky that I have been so passionate already about so many things and people in my life.

The new relationship is absolutely amazing. Yes, it's good to be in the bubble, heading into month three. The true test will be when work starts. No news yet, but I have a feeling that a job is just around the corner.

strip away all excess

Take away almost all responsibilities, and I find myself still being me and connecting in my own ways.

Life is much slower yet more fulfilling.

I taught a few friends to climb over the weekend (students #27, 28 & 29), and the simple act of moving the body never felt so satisfying.

Sure, I could have focused more on my career in the last few years, but nothing can replace the skills, the travels, or the relationships. More than ever, I rely on who I am based on all those unique life experiences.

It's time to move forward, and it feels wonderful to be myself, completely.

new start

After taking the spiritual class, I still felt the need to jump start my career. Although I felt more clear about others, I needed some clearing.

A private session with Maria helped. The results are always subtle. I didn't feel too different, but last night at a happy hour, I can sense the change. I managed to reconnect with a friend's friend whom I had hoped to get to know better. I also carpooled and enjoyed some one-on-one time with a friend who is making some career changes as well.

Right after a session, life always seems so much easier. I also have a feeling that I might start working before the end of the year. Yay for now.

letting go

Saturday night, I planned on attending a couple of birthday parties but bowed out last minute simply because the day was too full.

It's been nice to scale back and do less. The less I do, the more at peace I feel. Life is still very active, but it is different now.

Am spending more time with people one-on-one and removing myself from the crowds.

a new beginning

Went to my old firm to meet up with the staff for lunch. Amused that the laid off took me away from downtown during the recent economic turbulence. I am grateful to miss the negative energy during this time.

The daily meditation has helped to free some of the past conditions, and I had an epiphany last night that the new job is just around the corner.

I shall treasure the remaining days of vacation...

accepting

So many things I cannot control, especially how people react and respond.

Slowly, I am letting go of everything I cannot control and focusing on my own well being and ability to give.

Only by staying true can I be at my happiest and my most productive.

October is looking like a great month.

bite my tongue

One of the biggest lesson from my spirtiual class is to just listen.

I have this habit of just talking so much that I overwhelm people. I am learning to talk less and just let people be. That quality is probably my father's best parenting skill.

this is my life

Met up with two friends for lunch today. One of them worked at Genetech since 1995. The other just started one month ago. The newbie was showing the other friend an alternate commute route because she has been trying out all the different shuttles and public transit combinations.

Both friends were supportive of my unemployment. I am calling it mandatory sabatical now, because it feels very much like a time of renewal.

I feel quite happy because life is just more of the same routines. I meet up with friends, go to markets and Farmer's Markets, cook, read, play sports, and go to the gym. My life is almost the same as before, minus working. Other than missing the purpose of working, I have not felt deprived. It's good to know that my life is good the way it is.

So the job will happen soon enough. It's good to want nothing and to be exactly where I need to be right now...

Clarity

Although I feel somewhat restless by unemployment, I am content.

I am doing exactly what I want - spending time with people and taking better care of myself.

The job will happen in its own time, so I will focus and cultivate other areas of my life.

The restlessness is healthy. It makes me see how good life has been and will continue to be, if I let it go even more.

I like the discomfort of this period; it's a reminder that things will always be out of my control.

That's the beauty of life - it's not pretty all the time.

pink bubble

Ahhh, the magic of dating someone new. Now that I am older and wiser, I know that dating does not relationship make. Still, I willingly give into the euphoria of meeting someone new who seems perfect.

Yes, one day, I will have to face the dark side of that person who is imperfect. Fortunately, that day is not now. I can simple enjoy this experience that is pink and soft.

I am still me

Nothing like stripping away a major source of my identiy to know my true self. The irony is that my career is very important to me. To be able to problem solve or contribute in my own way has been an integral part of my existence. So the job search continues.

I look back to the last time I was unemployed, and I am grateful that I no longer feel helpless. It was tough because I was married at the time. I am more cautious this time around to get into a serious relationship during this period of uncertainty. Still, it's amazing to feel this serenity and embrace the unknown.

Watching some of the reality shows made me see that I am just not ambitious in the traditional, focused way. Although I am neurotic and very analytical by nature, my ability to let it all go is the key to my happiness. I love to ride the wave despite its uncertainty and know that it's the best place to be.

going with the flow

If life has unexpected turns, how do we prepare for the unknown?

It all begins with the belief that we have the power to handle it all. By removing fear from every situation, we can simply enjoy the ride and not worry about the outcome.

Sometimes I feel like the oddball for wanting to just taking in the experience rather than trying to achieve a particular outcome. Good thing that I am constantly being rewarded with joy, so I know my way works for me.

I don't know what will happen next in my personal or professional life. I just have my intutition to guide me, and the signs all points to something positive. The unveiling process is more fun than seeing the answers.

slowing down to have more time

After three weeks of spiritual class, I finally reached that place of peace even with my unemployment.

One conscious act is to slow down more. Not working gives me a lot of time, but I was just as busy with many social committments. I finally learned to slow down in order to accomplish more.

Not every invitation needs a yes. Not every connection requires maintenances from me. This new phase involves helping others to help themselves and removing myself from some of the process.

It's time to look inward in order to make the world better.

vacation

Got the idea that I am suppose to have a complete career overhaul.

Waiting for a couple more interviews but will also look in unexpected fields.

Feel perfect right now. No man, no job, yet perfection is a state of mind. Must treasure this time of peace and satisfaction.

Leap of faith

This career change not only made this vacation carefree, but it's a reminder to keep taking risks.

If I had not gone back to a firm setting, then I would not have learned so much.

Whether it is professional or personal choices, I will continue to follow my gut. It is liberating to know that every choice is the "right" choice.

No need to agonize over the unknown. There are only choices and consequences. Just choose freely and everything will be fine.

Go ahead, take that leap!

Greetings from Seattle

Taking a short 2-day trip.

Want to make my major annoucement: I was laid off two weeks ago.

I am fine. My father knew this was going to happen. He reminded me that my career is not everything.

I had one interview already and am waiting on three other applications.

In the mean time, I'm focused on politics (register to vote by 10/15!) and my personal life.

Life is grand. Signing off from Queen Anne district!

divine self

Started my spiritual class last night in directing new focus inward.

Excited as there are many changes right now.

Rather than planning or attending activities, I am scaling back in order to listen to my inner self.

My first assignments were to meditate and to think of eight things that I am glad about my life.

Today's eight:
1. family - parents and sibs
2. public transportation/my muni pass
3. healthy relationship with fear: knowing when to follow fear (safety) and when to overcome fear (seeking challenges)
4. my health
5. my career - finally embracing it completely
6. San Francisco - a lifetime affair
7. having been thoroughly loved
8. having loved so much

Explaining ourselves

Life is magical right now w/perfect balance of free spirit and structure.

When I was younger, I simply followed my gut in every aspect of life.

As I discovered the necessity of rules, I knew that being left-brained wasn't me either.

Finally, being able to choose when to let go and when to be disciplined is liberating.

True, happiness is fleeting, but I have never been happier.

To be...

My entreprenurial friend told me that my big idea would come to me soon.

My life is it. I live each moment purposefully and give unconditionally.

I have zero regrets and welcome all uncertainty.

What else is there besides laughter, passion and love?!

big ideas

All the ups and downs in the last two weeks had me return my focus to my purpose.

Unlike many peers who covet big goals or have lofty ideas, my dreams have always been simple and in the moment.

No matter how seemingly crazy, my life has been the natural transition from one stage to another. In fact, most of the trauma, if any, has been from others' reactions and responses.

Still, all this secrecy is an experiment in executing my next set of ideas without input from anyone. My big ideas are about how one can carve out an independent life without the consequences of social isolation.

Until the hypothesis is proven right or wrong...

Letting go

All the spiritual work of this past year has been about observing. By not getting caught up in the emotions, I can allow change to occur peacefully.

Rather than feeling helpless by events, I can embrace life's unexpected ups and downs.

The one requirement of observing is a certain distance from others. I feel a certain burden lifted.

It's a new beginning.

simple pleasures

When did life get so complicated?

In preparation for my study with Maria the energy lady in September, I decided to scale back my life.

If you don't hear from me, I will just be contemplating.

Time to go back to the simple things, especially spending time by myself.

finding myself

Living in the moment means letting go. If I don't have any expectations, then I no longer have any fears either.

This next phase will be practicing being just me, without worrying about others or let judgments shape me.

It's not easy, as I need confirmation. Still, baby steps as I leap into a new realm.

enlightenment

Sometime after grad school, I lost my sense of self. In an attempt to find myself, I gave endlessly.

The attention to others was fun while it lasted, but my new-found self means carving out more time for myself.

So I'm taking a break from group events. (I feel so much better just typing that!)

This is a time to focus inward, to regroup and to realize big ideas. I can't wait to change!

the answer arrived as expectedly

For a while now, I was wondering what will be next. Last Friday, the answer came to me.

It wasn't quite unexpectedly in that I had a gut feeling all day long. Part of spiritual practice has been focusing on my gut feelings.

Everything all of a sudden made sense, but I had to allow the feelings to surface. I had no idea that despite my claim of being spiritual, I had not accepted my intuition as much as I could be.

It was like the time I didn't pass the bar or the time I quit a job. Those events changed more than my career, but I just didn't know it at the time.

So now when events happen, I am better prepared. Even if I don't quite understand, I allow the answers to surface.

When there is confusion, allow the true meaning to appear. I believe the next step is to wait for more clarity before making my announcement. Stayed tuned.

me or my alter ego

Thanks to E, who introduced me to a couple of potential matches last night.

One of the guys was on vacation, so we ended up talking after the group dinner dinner for a couple of hours. Very cool. This is my favorite part - when the guy presents his best self and tries hard.

The guy pointed out that I may be dating the wrong crowd. Hum... He also mentioned that I am probably the most independent woman he has ever met. Is that so bad? When has independent become a dirty word in dating? It definitely doesn't help that I don't need a life partner. Right now, I just need a wedding date for E's wedding in Oct. Two months and counting.

I just have to be me. Although I am going to tinker with my image. Marketing...

older, wiser, and definitely happier

Signed up for a dating site today.

Looked around (always check out the competition), and I realized that most of the women are younger.

I don't mind getting older at all. In fact, I relish in knowing more. Knowledge is indeed power!

Perhaps the only drawback is that I will lose my appeal to a number of men. Is that really a drawback? ;) I have only gotten more attention as I got older, but that's probably due to my diverse groups of friends and confidence. Hum...

Well, here's to the next round of dating. Once again, hoping it's my last.

responsibilities

Hosted a reunion with a group of college friends. It was nice to hear all the good news.

Preparing for the reunion was a test of limits as I was dealt with a broken grill, several social commitments, and visits to family in South Bay and East Bay.

By being in the moment and just enjoy each and every person who shared their time, I had one of the best weekends ever. I even fixed my parents' satellite signal by switching two TVs and two receivers around.

By the end of the weekend, I had lost all the fatigue from a week of emotional roller-coaster. I was struggling with my desire for a relationship and my own life that I forgot that this is my life, a hodgepodge of responsibilities. I get the most joy by giving to everyone and myself.

I ended the weekend by giving myself a pedicure and watching more Olympics. I am glad to find that balance once again.

wistful

I was translating a Chinese expression for a friend, and wistful came up.

I have also been thinking about this word because it sums up my attitude about men right now.

I meet great guys, lots of them. For some reason, there has not been one person, in the last five years, who makes me want to settle down.

It's partly me. I want to settle down, but I don't want to settle.

Still, I am ever the optimist. I am ready to plunge back to dating.

The word wistful doesn't have a place in my life any more because it implies regret. I don't regret not having found Mr. Right because I had to first define myself.

revelation

After observing myself from afar in the recent weeks, I finally realized that my life is not going to be about a man or romance right now. Instead, it's going to be all the fun things that are me.

Looking at all the events coming up in the next few weeks, I am most excited about spending some time on my own. There are also plenty of social events. Ironic that the more I keep to myself, the more I can reach out.

I am relieved. Being able to accept my own timeline is a lot easier than fighting unrealistic expectations.

Still, it's all about timing, so I am also going to start dating again. As always, it's when one least expects it.

watching, not judging

Prior to the weekend, I had been practicing the notion of being present and watching my thoughts thanks to the books Power of Now and The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. The entire weekend, I practiced watching my thoughts, especially the negative ones.

I was able to note my emotions, especially the reactionary ones toward loved ones.

It turns out that most of our negative thoughts are not us, but our ego/pained selves. Our true selves are without judgment and reactionary emotions.

Rather than getting upset or over reacting, I simply note my responses and went about my weekend. It was lovely.

Try it. Next time you sense frustration or annoyance, simply observe that emotion. It will free you the burden of having to respond. It will lose its significance because it is not all that important.

My quest for enlightenment begins.

finding answers

Whenever my life is in transition, I manage to find resources that give me answers.

Sometimes it's friends, sometimes it's wisdom in unexpected places. Most of all, I grow and find my own answers.

Having read extensively on happiness, I am aware that empirically, the only trait that can bring happiness is gratitude. So it's okay to not have a partner because being single will not hurt my chances of finding happniess.

Recently, I delved into spirituality and started to read more about how I can let go of the confusions of an ordinary life and be enlightened. It's simple, but it does require a certain peace with oneself.

So this is what's next, finding inner peace. I am looking forward to withdrawing more. By just spending more time by myself this week, I am already back to my usual happy self. Who knew, stillness = peace?

all alone but never lonely

Now that I am once again single, I am spending more time on my own again.

It's nice to get back into the routine. Reading, exercise, checking in with friends, and exploring the city.

I continue to meet new friends, many of them independent women. It's nice to have that support.

As for love, I have long accepted the possibility of ending up alone. After all, I have had fun times and loved enough to last me a lifetime.


Perhaps I am meant to be alone because I am never lonely.

when in doubt, have some fun

As much as I wanted my last relationship to work out, I feel better now that it is transitioning to the friends stage. The stress and the pressure of wanting to make it work ultimately killed the romance. It was hard to let go, but at least we tried.

It's time to rejoice in a good experience.

Perfect timing as I have a relative staying for the weekend. I can't wait to share my life and to have a good time.

I can see how breakups can make people jaded, but I am more hopeful than ever. Life is too precious for us to dwell on what doesn't work. Just accept, change and make magic happen!

go with the flow

I like to dance crazily, but there isn't always room when the clubs are packed. My solution, show up early and be the first one on the dance floor! There is nothing quite like the freedom of having the whole dance floor to myself.

This past Sat night, I was at a friend's b-day party at a club. A couple of friends who wanted to carpool flaked, so it was just me. It wasn't too bad as one of my friends was already at the bar, hanging out with his friends.

Still, the music was getting interesting, and I had to get out there. Rather than wait for my friends or the rest of the b-day group, I just started to jump around. As always, people started to fill up the dance floor. After an hour, the main room was packed, and I was able to greet friends (although quite sweaty).

It was so liberating to just show up on my own and do exactly as I pleased. I feel grateful that I no longer have to worry about what other people think, at least not on the dance floor.

What else is possible if I remove all fears?

moving on

Had lunch with an ex-co-worker who got laid off. The company had a lot of potential when I worked there 3 years ago. However, a sale to a big engineering firm (who has contracts in Iraq) led to the departure of top managers and now, the end of that division.

At that point, I brought in the most money by securing the most number of permit approvals. I asked for a raise and was refused. I made my announcement to leave a day before the top managers left, and that's when things started to spiral downward.

Sometimes things are not meant to be, but one has to enjoy the good moments. I learned a lot at that job, and it was a fun atmosphere before it was sold. Still, it was timely to leave when things were still good, so I have fond memories of that job.

More and more, I am aware of the gut that tells me to reach for more and to be challenged always. Can't wait to see what's next.

precious

Last night, I ran into a past attendee of one of my singles party, and she inquired when will be the next party. It turns out that she met someone at my party and dated that person for 4 months. The relationship ended because the guy wasn't ready to settle down.

Or did it?

One reason I stopped hosting the parties because the men weren't following up. (Well, apparently some did).

Now, I see that the issues are from almost everyone. Being in a couple requires a lot of compromise but also an appreciation for its rarity. If the singles are just more grateful for having someone who is compatible, then there would be a lot less of them.

I am all for being picky, but at some point, finding love requires a leap of faith.

I should know. Working things out with C is turning out better than expected. Who knew it would be better this time around?

one big idea

One of the biggest idea in my head is actually several big ideas - how to host the perfect event.

Venue is a big one. I try to find the perfect place for all the activities that I partake.

Whether it is a casual lunch for two or happy hour for professional colleagues, there is an ideal time and the perfect place for all these events.

It helps to have peer-review sites, but the best source of information is personal experience.

Creating the perfect event got me to think. How do I make every experience exquisite and memorable? It comes back to instinct, but that starts with practice.

So the big idea is that I must do more to attract the best ideas yet.

I think I can

Once in a while, I have a breakthrough in a sport.

Last night, I got a great golf tip and hit a few out of there.

Wow. Just when I was ready to give up on the sport, something sparked an improvement. It's like skating too. Now that I am able to skate backwards, the sport is truly fun.

The goal is to play 9-holes by the end of the year. Get ready, set...

big ideas...well, a small one to start

While I continue to explore ideas on what's next, I have been coming across interesting questions.

One is aggressive v. assertive.

Why do people who assert themselves get the bad rap of being aggressive? People are called aggressive when they offend and intimidate. People who are assertive are simply persuasive.

I usually surround myself with very independent souls, so being aggressive is usually not an issue. Still, I can think of a few encounters with aggressive behavior...

Get me to think about image, and all that leads back to what's next.

If I am going to truly transform, then I will have to be clear about what I want to be. Still contemplating, but the picture is slowly emerging!

everything coming together

Spent Friday night and Saturday night with two amazing groups of women.

Despite some of the uncertainty I face in my personal and professional arenas, I felt that everything will be all right in the presence of such amazing peers.

One friend started her own company, another practically runs her division of a company just bought by Microsoft, one is an outgoing pediatrician and another is the most well-traveled amature athlete.

Just focusing on these beautiful and talented friends lifted me. Then the light bulb went off - I have been so self-absorbed that I magnified my own problems.

It was so simple. By fully enjoying the talent and beauty around me, I was at peace. Just like that, this weekend restored me to my old self.

tip of the day

Museums! Love them but how to beat the crowds?

Just went to check out two exhibits. Women Impressionists at the Legion of Honor. They open at 930am on Saturdays! Go right at 930 in the morning, and you'll get premium parking and don't have to sign up for the exhibit by time slots. No lines, since everyone thinks it opens at 10 (or not awake at that time).

Your ticket will be good for the Chihuly exhibit at the De Young the same day. Plan accordingly and go there at the end of the day! I'll go back on a Friday night as it's very cool to see SF from the observatory deck.

Also saw the Frieda Kahlo at the MOMA last night. It opens until 945pm on Thursday nights through the summer! Don't pay extra and wait in crazy lines for the appointments during the day. Go at 845pm on a Thursday night. It's also 1/2 off after 6 on Thursdays. Again, no lines! I did encounter some crowds, but it was much small than expected. I had plenty of opportunity to view pieces on my own.

Living in a major city means crowds - locals and tourists, but there is always a away to bypass the seas of people. Plan accordingly and happy viewing!

rejection

One of the contract leads turned down my services. Oh well. I was excited about the potential income because I have a couple of trips planned for this summer and fall.

By always taking an alternate route, my career has not reached its full financial potential. Am considering more opportunities...

Hum...

hard to get

Why is that people want what they can't have?

Several friends have been chasing after difficult people, or interests who don't reciprocate.

I understand that romance takes time to bloom, but if the object of your affection isn't returning the attention (not calling back, not setting up dates), then isn't it time to move on?

Perhaps the cat-and-mouse game appeals to some, but not me. I like to get closer or move on. Life should be simple. If the person doesn't make me excited and happy initially, I am moving on.

chicken or the egg...

With the contract work, I have been thinking about work more.

Still have time for fun things, but work is taking on more importance.

It reminds me of what my Dad (the Fortune Teller) told me that I will always work hard. Is it true because it is meant to be or simply because I have heard it so frequently?

I do feel lucky because I always liked working and expect to work eternally. No, I don't envy people who have lots of free time because I had been there, and it's not me.

All this hard work makes me want to change the world. If I can just make a difference in a client's life, imagine what I can do for more people with just enough heart?

what we wish for

Thought about exploring other professional outlets.

Then several contract attorney opportunities landed in my lap. The first assignment was a barter, and it sparked my interest in pursuing more work. The second one is a simple contract due tomorrow. Am still being considered for the third and waiting to hear back from the fourth.

Excited about the challenge and the potential. Have to stay on top of everything and make time for myself and my priorities. It's good timing; I am excited about working more and learning more.

public transit

My hairdresser works in the Outer Richmond district. There is usually no easy way to get to him via public transportation, so I usually drive to his salon on Saturdays.

The problem is that he is so busy on Saturdays that the appointment is often rushed. It's also difficult to find parking near the busy shopping district.

This month, I found an express bus by my work that leaves from downtown directly to Outer Richmond. The first stop is only two blocks from the salon! I was so early due to the express bus that I had time to have a snack and to read several articles in a magazine.

On the way home, there wasn't any express bus. Still, I used my Blackberry to time the transfer and was able to get door-to-door just 15 more minutes than driving! It was nice to catch up on emails on the bus.

Now there is one more errand that I don't have to do on the weekends!

I can't imagine not living in a city because I love the concept of public transit.

what is gut?

I have always considered myself intuitive. I've made many major life decisions by trusting my gut.

What is one's gut? It's a conviction that is beyond emotions. It's the core of who we are. Our spirit.

An example of gut is when I was nine years old, I told my parents that I didn't like my school. I literally stopped going to school, and no one could convince me to go. This was while I was living in Asia, so the reason I came to the US was to follow my gut.

How can a child know what's best for herself? I just knew, and fortunately, my parents were very supportive. They found a guardian family for me and helped me relocate to SF. I ended up living with guardians for the first two years of being the US, without my parents. Everything turned out perfectly.

Over the years, I have been honing my intuition. It was my gut that told me to quit one week before a partner died of a heart attack, dissolving my old firm. It was my gut that told me to get my joint degree, and now I am in an office with three other attorneys who share my background. Time and time again, my gut saved me from bad breakups because I always know when it's time to move on.

Lately, my gut has been restless, so I know it's time to grow leaps and bounds again. What is it? I have some ideas. It'll be a great summer to explore the different opportunities...

gratitude

Last night, C and I broke up for good. It was hard because we both wanted it to work but then realized that it was not going to happen.

At first, I was devastated, but then I realized that this relationship helped me see the importance of having a partner in my life.

It made it easier that Maria the energy lady told me that C and I had rocky relationships in four previous lifetimes. Maybe it'll all work out in the next lifetime?

Everything is falling into place in my life, and I just have to be patient in finding the right one to share it with.

feel like a winner

Watching the Olympic trials has been a reminder that I have to keep focused on my dreams.

The women's 100M hurdles was especially encouraging b/c of Lolo Jones' win .

That feeling Jones had when she won is what I strive for.

balance

So now that C and I kissed and made up, I am looking to take my life to the next level.

Body - Still trying to learn a new sport every year. Swimming and golf are going well. Lots of baby steps as I need to get to the pool and the range to improve. Still, both sports have long-term potential and benefits, so I will continue to take lessons and practice.

The routine is to dabble in two of the following activities each week: ice skating, in-line skating, weight lifting, climbing, swimming, golf, and yoga. Notice that I didn't put down running, but I might start to run at trails near my friends' and co-workers' homes on route to visit them.

Mind - Work is the source of mental challenge right now, but I want to get back into my cultural and intellectual pursuits. Just as I am scheduling social events nonstop, I need to have one night a week at home and read. Currently reading 1421, a book about how the Chinese actually discovered America.

Soul - I have lots of practice in connecting with family and friends and having the support of a large social network. Everything is perfect right now. So what does that means in terms of my spiritual development? I have been visiting Maria regularly, and the discoveries at times surprise me. I welcome the challenge to look deeper into myself and my purpose.

ideal partner

Guy friends often ask me to set them up, especially when they are ready to settle down. I do pride myself on being able to see who would make a good match for someone. However, often the bachelors don't agree with me.

Take the latest guy friend. He is quite successful and got out of a 3-year relationship late last year. Now that he is ready to hit the market again, he asked me for my help.

I immediately mentioned a woman I met through him, since I had marveled at how great they would be together. Even better, that woman was introduced to him previously as a romantic potential. My friend disagrees with this apparent match because the woman is not the independent, strong woman he had in mind for himself.

Having known my friend for almost 6 years, I thought the independent types would not be able to handle his crazy work schedule and robust social calendar. He is always attending or hosting one party or another every Friday and Saturday nights. Even when he was in a relationship, this friend was always out with friends.

Who he needs is a together but sweet woman who is patient and very understanding. That's why I thought of his friend. She is also very cute, but maybe not as flamboyant as his ex.

Well, he promised me that he would ask this woman out, so we'll see if this match works out...

little miracle

My nephew is almost five months now, and he is the cutest baby ever. What's been amazing about his arrival is that he has brought the family closer.

Not only do I have an excuse to visit my brother more because of the baby, but the rest of the family gather more frequently.

Observations about B has become ways to connect the entire family. Who he looks like (my sister-in-law's father) and behaves like (me). Why he is so chubby/large for his age. Who is the best at caring for him (my brother!).

Being around a helpless baby makes everyone more caring and feel a sense of purpose.

Having B in my life still makes me neutral about having kids. Still, I am glad my brother and sister-in-law decide to start their family. B has been a little miracle to our family.

transition to friendship

Perhaps the biggest reason that C and I are breaking up is because we never became good friends. The romance took over (and what a romance!), so we were never equipped to deal with our differences, especially timing.

So in an effort to help each other move on, we are going to work on our friendship.

Things are off to an okay start. We are talking, but I did get mad and yell at him last night for two sentences. That's a good sign b/c I don't have to placate to him any more.

Now do you know why this blog is called this? ;)

It's so ironic. The first time I broke up with C, I felt he wasn't serious about where the relationship is going. Then he made a 180 and was suffocating me. He was trying so hard because he didn't want to lose me. In the end, it just wasn't meant to be.

confirmation

Last night, I ice skated on my b-day with C as I requested.

The dinner afterwards was not the intimate dinner for two. Instead, C surprised me by inviting several of my friends. We had a group dinner for 9.

The unexpected turn of events confirmed that C and I can only move on as friends.

Although I often host group events, and my friends are very dear to me, last night's event was the opposite of what I consider a successful event. When I plan, I try to be mindful of people's budget. Asking someone to spend over $100 for a dinner is not fun in my book. It was especially tough for L and J who didn't drink at all and subsidized everyone else.

Group dinners are reserved for close friends of the same group. Most of my friends at the dinner last night barely know each other, and many of them met for the first time. A sit-down dinner forces people to converse only with those next to them. Our group of nine was more like a business dinner.

Mostly, I was tired and did not expect to socialize with such a large group. I had planned my own group gathering for later this week, after I recovered from my weekend trip in LA.

In the end, last night was a confirmation of what I felt two weeks ago - the connection I once had with C was lost. We had a great time but are not meant to be in a relationship long term.

I am sad but also glad to be moving on.

power

Ever since undergrad, I have been drawn to power. People who have power fascinated me.

Power is the ability to get things done. Whether it is mobilizing people or executing plans, those who can create results earn my respect.

To me, wealth and fame are not power. They may be the consequences of power and are often bestowed on those who are powerful. The two tests that I apply to determine who is powerful is 1. realize visions and 2. garner respect. People who can bring dreams to reality and earn others' respect are powerful.

I want to be powerful!

magic of love

C and I decided to give the relationship another try.

We had a good conversation about exploring the important things: what it means to be there for each other, how to intertwine our lives, money, maybe have a family together, and how to have a great relationship.

My gut was right last week to break things up because we had not had any of these key discussions. At the same time, I could not expect C to read my mind that these things were important.

Glad C stepped up. Even happier that he was thinking about all the same issues. Yes, we are lucky to have love after so many years of being alone. In some ways, the love was the easy part because we both longed for it.

Now, the real conversations begin.

female power

After celebrating Father's Day, I went to share my mentor's daughter's ballet recital. She had the biggest smile of all the girls on stage. I felt proud!

A group of us went to dinner after the performance. We were lucky to take over a no-show table as many families were celebrating.

The interesting fact was that our group did not have one single male. It was seven women and two girls. What a great evening, especially for the girls. The evening reminded me of my childhood where I am often in all-women groups with my mother and her friends.

I often wondered about the consequences of single parenthood, but seeing how happy K is through the years, I don't think she missed out much by not having a dad. She is constantly surrounded by people who love her, especially confidant women. The irony is that watching my mentor's experience has ruled out single parenthood for me; I will need that partner to do some of the caretaking!

Although I am still uncertain about whether I will ever be a mother, I do know that I will continue to connect to old and young people. To be loved by so many women is not the same as having a man, but it's more than enough for now.

everything we want

Taking a post to express my gratitude.

Everything I have ever wanted has appeared in my life. Material comforts aside, I have found kindred spirits to share amazing experiences.

From family to friends and at time a man, life has only gotten better. By no means is it easier. I definitely put in more effort now than ever, but I enjoy the challenges much more. I love work because it gives me purpose. I love giving to the people in my life because the joy is compounded when bestowed onto others.

What's next? More civic involvement and more creative outlets.

I feel grateful.

cooling period

I suggested to C that we don't talk to each other for a while. After the heated good-bye conversation, heated on his part, I figured he needs to cool off.

He did email me today, hoping to start the conversation. Maybe. I do want to be a good friend, but we both need to move on.

Breaking up isn't easy, and I have had enough breakups to know the drill. Both parties need to transition to start dating other people.

It does get easier. I just have to stay optimistic and as always, follow my intuition.

opportunity

Last night, I went to a monthly citizens advisory committee meeting. This CAC is for a redevelopment area. I used to be on the board of the CAC but resigned when I changed jobs. I continue to go to the meetings b/c I learn so much, especially the political process and how to get things done in an under-served neighborhood.

One topic that continue to plague this community is the lack of jobs for its residents, especially young men who come out of jail sentences.

I felt the frustration of the workforce program staff who came to request jobs from the redevelopment effort. It is sad that in a city of so many multi-million dollar mansions and condos, this neighborhood has to struggle so much.

I was more motivated than ever to perfect my skills and continue to work in land use. I have been lucky and worked on many interesting redevelopment projects. I hope that one day I can come back to a thriving community rather than a meeting where we spent the first 5 minutes in silence for the teenage boy who was shot in school that afternoon.

single again

Told C last night that it's time we go our separate ways.

I had to do the right thing, and I'm glad I waited until I was sure.

Thanks to everyone who lent a ear.

Moving on.

reminder

Climbed on Sunday. Took it easy on the 4 climbs.

The satisfaction of being good at something changed my mood for the rest of the weekend.

Between all the challenges with work, swimming, home owners' board, and the new relationship, I haven't felt that sense of satisfaction for a while. Having been reminded, I am aiming to get to that point in every area.

Having doubts about C was all right. The unknown will become known, and I will move forward, with or without him.

dark day

It was a frustrating day at swimming yesterday. I struggled with some of the drills and felt that I did not progress as much as I expected to. With a sub (the 3rd time in the 5 week class), it was even more difficult to improve.

To make matters worst, I came home feeling unaccomplished about other areas of my life. My professional life and personal life are better than ever that I want to do even more.

It's ironic, the more I do, the more that I want to achieve because I want to push the boundary of what's possible.

I am more determined than ever. The answer to being frustrated is to push on further. Persistence is the tool to realize my passion for a full life. Onward!!

love and marriage

Love and marriage are two very different things.

Sometimes two people who love each other cannot be or stayed married - see my first marriage.

Other times people who don't love each other stay married - see many public figures and their spouses.

Fortunately, most couples I know, especially my parents, are married and in love.

I was struggling with my relationship with C because I love him but am not sure about our potential as a married couple.

Thanks to lots of supportive friends, I was able to vent all my doubts. Once I stopped all the negative thinking, things resolved themselves. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that I am in love. Marriage is no longer a major life goal, so why worry about it.

I am happy in this relationship, and that's more than enough.

Life is good.

working

Saw Sex and the City movie with 7 girlfriends opening weekend. It was a blast! The movie was just like the show, only more fabulous!

Afterwards, I hosted a small gathering for friends at a near by hotel bar. Another good party!

During the night, a friend complained about working Saturday. It was unfortunate, but sometimes work duty calls off-hours.

I am at work today to wrap up some research and a couple of memos. Don't mind at all b/c I like the work. Besides, I had been getting off work early enough to have fun at night. What's a couple of hours over the weekend to give me my lifestyle?

nothing planned

Well, not entirely true. I am planning to watch Sex and the City movie tomorrow night with girlfriends and then heading to a bar for a gathering with friends.

The tickets are sold out! It's going to be a fun weekend at the movies. C and I joked that all the single men should go to bars around movie theaters b/c women who just see the movie will be motivated to meet men!

The rest of the weekend is completely free! So unlike me. Am going to come into work for a bit to finish some research and just chill. Love it. Am I slowing down?!

I did it!

Yesterday, I was able to swim the entire 25-yard length of the pool without a kickboard during my swimming class...20 times! I swam freestyle and backstroke for a total of 10 laps, stopping after each 25 yards of course.

I was exhausted after the class, but that feeling of accomplishment made my day/week/month.

Four more classes, and I can definitely see myself in pools and oceans from now on. Whoohoo!

networking

Now that I don't have any romantic incentives to meet new people, I am motivated to go out and meet people for networking purposes.

Many ideas that I have had about life, especially travel, are the results of conversations with other people.

I am trying to be more open minded about what's next, but I need people for their ideas and experiences to guide me. With each person that I get to know, I remove the limitations on life.

working

For those of you who know me for a while now, work has been a wondrous thing. I love it both because it's the means to support my lifestyle, and also because it defines me, as someone who contributes.

I never claim to be an ambitious person, but as I grow to love my career, I want to do so much more because I find that I can.

It's been marvelous to test my limits only to find that I can do even more. Feel excited about the upcoming assignments.

Several pieces of my writing will find their way to Board of Supervisor and Planning Commission meetings, and I can't wait to go to the hearings!

gushing

Traits that I admire in men that I used to not appreciate:

good vocabulary
curiosity
wicked humor
optimism
sexiness
sharp dresser
humility

And guess who has all these qualities? ;)

calm after the storm

So the discussion got so intense with C that I started to talk to friends. That's how I resolve a lot of issues - I talk it out with everyone until it disappears.

Thanks to everyone who lent a ear.

Last night, the irony was that I called some friends and got either voicemail or people who couldn't talk long.

Then, C sent me a cute text, and of course I had to call him back. It was sweet, just our usual checking-in goodnights. He has a golf tournament today, and I wished him well.

So, things are good again. I am reminded by my energy session to just let the emotions pass through and remain clear about my intentions.

honesty

Told C last night that I feel compelled to find someone who would make a better partner. I know, ouch. I had to explain why I was distancing myself. It was a "It's me, not you" speech.

We are still dating, but I am not feeling optimistic. Remember my bell-shaped theory of love?

I am learning that I don't want love to be the deciding factor in my relationship. It should be compatibility and life goals.

My objective is for C to learn how I see the world and relationships. He might just be the one who walk away first...

clarity

Another successful session with my energy lady, Maria.

I came to terms with my fear of the fun times with C will fizz once it gets serious. For now, it's just dating.

The best part about the session is having her clear away expectations. Many of those come from others, but I also put expectations on myself.

Time to just chill and let things happen but still stay focused. A fine balance.

transition

Now that C and I are just dating, we are spending more time apart. I have more time to think about myself once again. Perhaps I am better as a friend/date than a girlfriend b/c I have yet to figure out how to balance my needs against those of other people.

By always limiting time with others, even with my family, I am able to give without resentment.


It's officially summer, with this heat wave. So many things to do, but I am also learning to spend more time with myself and my own thoughts. This is the year that I look inward to myself.

life's like that

Tried to send L some flowers in NY for her b-day. She lives in SF but was in NYC for business.

The flowers didn't make it. I typed in the wrong address. Still, couldn't the delivery person have figured out the address via the hotel name? It was two blocks away!

Oh well. Now she not only thinks that I forgot her b-day, she will barely get to enjoy the flowers as she flies back tomorrow.

I feel lame for trying to do something nice. Sigh...

dive right in

Started my swimming class last night.

Love it! Clean pool, small class size, and incredibly comfortable locker facilities.

I am excited about taking up yet another new sport. At the same time, I am overcoming my fear of water. I had a near-drowning experience as a kid, at my first swimming class, and I had refused to learn swimming.

Over time, the fear of water has been a barrier to having fun. When I was in Brazil, I couldn't go wind surfing even though the water was perfect.

Just another reminder that if I am willing to take risks, the outcome can be very rewarding.

I've been uninvited

From: Me
Date: May 10, 2008 1:18 AM
Subject: there you go again...
To: C

deciding for me...I thought couples are suppose to make decisions together? Shouldn't I be the judge of whether I want to accompany you? Or was that your intuition telling you something I didn't even know about me?

You should know by now that I am like my nephew, I do quite well when meeting nosey strangers for the first time.

Still, now that we are just dating, it might not be a good idea. Oh right, I don't even have to wonder about it because I might make the event too stressful for someone else. If we did go, I would just be honest and say that we are dating.

Signing off, your co-pilot in the hunt for the great relationship,
Me




From: Me
Date: May 10, 2008 1:34 AM
Subject: correction
To: C


The last sentence should have read
"If we go, I will just be honest and say that we are dating."

:D

confronting my past

I finally figured out why my romantic relationships don't last. I never learned how to negotiate for what I want from my partners.

At jobs and in my friendships, I am a natural leader and am rewarded for calling the shots.

In romantic relationships, my intuition and attraction for the other person make me change my ways to suit him. I end up giving so much that I lose my sense of self. My solution has always been breakups.

For the first time, I am trying to change my habits. I told C tonight that we need to scale back to just dating (not boyfriend-girlfriend), so I can learn these skills.

Although it was tense, I had to be honest. If C and I are going to make it, I have to enter into the relationship with sustainable behaviors. I don't want to end up burnt out or resentful.

C was equally honest in asking me whether dating means that I am going to date other men. I don't know yet. I am not sure what the future holds or whether C and I will survive this, but I do know that in order for me to be truly happy I must change for me.

support

Now that I am having doubts about C, I do what I always do when uncertain - turn to my friends.

Had lunch and drinks with several guy friends, and they all made me see that I have to resolve my own issues before proceeding with C. I don't ever have a set checklist for a partner because I am always changing. My only criterion is that the man has to be able to change with me.

Ironic. That's my reservation about C - can he change and grow with me?

A few things happened this week that made me feel that he is set in his ways, and I can only accommodate in order for the relationship to move on.

Still, it's nice to have the support from others. Plus, everyone is defending C, and that's a major plus. This is how I got over my last major breakup - by the time I told the story 50 times, it wasn't so bad. I have no shame in airing my dirty laundry b/c that's how I move on.

dissatisfaction

Now that I have removed the top reasons for why women seek men, do I need someone in my life?

I provide for myself financially and expect to live well on my own efforts.

I don't need the social confirmation. Many women feel social pressures to marry, but not this woman. In fact, I quite enjoy my single status.

Even companionship. I enjoy the company of many friends and can always count on my outgoing personality to find partners in crime. L and I were able to travel to a foreign country together b/c I followed her schedule and planned every last detail.

As I grow older, I suspect that work and community involvement will take up more energy. Even self improvement is very fulfilling.

These musings led to a feeling that being with C could be dissatisfying down the road.

Of course, there is love. I haven't fallen in love in so long that I have forgotten that being in love is quite wonderful. Still, I know that love does not a partnership make. Partnerships and marriages require compatibility.

Are C and I destined?

amazing race

Back from Hong Kong/Beijing/Shanghai. My travel buddy and I concluded that we should try out for Amazing Race after our adventure.

The trip was not relaxing. My style of traveling is more arduous because I rarely go with tours. I usually try to figure out what to do or how to get around by following local customs. Or as I like to say, stay where the rich people live and eat and travel as the working poor.

Of course, Beijing's working poor is much worse off than the working poor in many other countries, so we definitely ate and got around with some uncertainty. Our bus tour to the Great Wall topped the list; we were with people who spit out the window and their flour sacks of stuff. Poor L, she had no idea what she was getting herself into.

Still, I am proud of how we stay under budget and made it back safely. I am stronger and wise, and I definitely appreciate my life more with all my comforts and options.

uncertainty

Was exchanging with a friend, and she asked if C was a fun relationship or a serious one.

Both!

I finally see that so many potential dating experiences in the past ended abruptly because one or both parties were trying to define the experience.

For the first time, I am willing to take it one day at a time and let the relationship progress.

I am still having fun, so I am trying not to inject all the seriousness that comes with commitment. Just letting it be.

vulnerability

One reason I love sports so much is that the risks are purely physical.

In relationships, not so easy.

C came back from vacation, and I immediately vented my uncertainty about us. It was probably not the nicest thing to do, but I had to air my anxiety about whether I am finally ready for a relationship.

The conclusion? My life has changed, but I shouldn't be afraid. Having a serious relationship is meant to be at this point. I will embrace it and let things happen as they may.

And I am off to China in 3 days. C will not join. Just myself and another girlfriend. I can't wait. It's going to be a blast. Looking forward to how that experience will change me too!

on my own...

...temporarily.

C went out of town for a few days, an annual family golf trip.

I got to spend time with a couple of guy friends on two separate occasions and ended up meeting a few new friends. I no longer have the fear of not being able to meet new people once in a relationship. In fact, I am much more carefree, and that encourages people to open up to me.

C and I have truly settled into a pattern. We spend lots of time together during the week, and on the weekends, we have separate social lives. Sometimes we mix with each other's worlds, other times not. I doubt I'll ever bike single-track trails; he will unlikely ever take up snowboarding...

That's why it works. We keep our worlds and find that middle ground to be together.

slow down and take notice

Now that C and I commute together, I don't bury my head in reading materials during the ride to and from work. It's amazing what I notice:

1. lady with crazy hair
2. clothes that don't fit right - many people wear clothes that are too large. The irony is that by "hiding" in loose clothing, people look bigger.
3. tourists - as I am about to travel, I am not going to bring jeans. I'm going to try to dress better when I am on the road!
4. technology - this guy used a remote to change the exchange rate outside his bank's window this morning - oh, so that's how they do that!
5. flirting - this is my favorite since C and I do that too. I love it when I see two people who don't even seem to know one another get close or kiss each other goodbye.

urban music

Almost every 3rd person on the street or on BART during my commute is listening to music with cords coming out of their ears.

I never caught on the mp3 player craze although I have a couple. The extra steps of looking up music, downloading it, and carrying around another device have yet to appeal to me.

Still, in my adventures around town, I like, no love, the music of the city. Whether it's the cars or the various conversations, I like the "noise" from other people and other things.

Maybe one day I will want peace and quiet, but for an extrovert, the bustling of the city is music to my ears.

visual cues

Saw a small flyer on the way to work, and from the picture of the topless guy, I knew it was an ad for men.

Why is that when advertisement targets men, hetero or homo, that they use sexual images? What about us women audiences? We get flowers and luxury goods.

I suppose I should be glad that advertisers think us women are too smart for simple lures like a buff man...Well, romance novels always employ scantly-clad beefy guys...Hum...

good advice

Last night, while having dinner w/friends sans C, I got great advice that answered my uncertainty. Older guy friends reminded me that having a comfortable relationship, no matter how unfamiliar, is a good thing. Good advice from friends was exactly what I need.

C has been so accepting of me. I was the who had the issue of not being able to accept him completely.

So everything is back to great on the relationship front.

Back to focusing on work. I have a lot to learn. It's been very challenging, but that's exactly what I want.

hear thyself

Got to love how life's messages come from within.

A secretary asked me for dating advice, and I said play it cool.

Ding! The bell goes off. I should take my own advice.

dark day

Yesterday, I got frustrated. To the point that I couldn't talk to C. Maybe the LA trip was too much too soon. I felt better this morning, so we said goodbye pleasantly.

I am learning to observe the anger (yes, I was mad). The stillness gives me an unpleasant idea - I can just end the relationship like so many times before. My dark side is not to be explained, but I am aware of the fact that I am not quite ready for a relationship.

So what's next? I think the weekend will be telling. I am going to ask C if we can spend the next few days apart. I need some time to myself.

to be a man

The past couple of days, I expressed to C my fear about being in such a serious relationship. Having been single for so long, I was afraid to lose my freedom.

Like how we discuss everything else, we half jokingly talked about how I could meet other people who could be better suited. Should I go on dates with other people? Should we spend less time together?

The frank discussions simply confirmed what we both knew all along: we are right for each other.

C has been single longer than me, so he is more ready for a relationship. Regardless of where we are in life, I do share his view that having a partner is important to me.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that it will all be better because C is in my life.

giving it up

After yet another successful social event, I decided that it is time to end the social functions.

Just like that, I know that the event-planning phase of my life is over. There is some satisfaction in the magic of it all. Creating the evites, picking the venue, selecting the guests, and showing it up to let it all happen gloriously.

Now, I have other ideas about how I will lead my life.

Career is a big one. I am finally at a place where I can grow at my own pace. I love what I am doing and want to give it my all.

My health is another goal. I am going to take up golf and swimming next. Those of us with a desk job do not move nearly as much as we should.

Then, there is my spirituality. I am slowly connecting more with my enlightened self and discovery my true self.

money

C and I survived our first couples trip. The trip was great. We met members of each other's family and friends, and had fun exploring a different city.

This morning, we emailed about who should pay for what, and it was a bit uncomfortable. C has not had a girlfriend since grad school, and I am quite used to men paying for everything. We came to a resolution, but it's hard to gauge the satisfaction of that outcome given that the discussion was entirely over email.

Still, I can't help but think about the influence of money over a relationship. I don't think C and I will break up over this topic, but it will take some adjustment as we do spend money differently.

I am also assessing my own lifestyle needs. How I spend and save money is changing, and that will influence my choices in career and relationships. Hum...

good fight

C and I had our first fight last night. It was so mellow, just like us. The frustration lasted all of 1/2 hour. Everything was resolved through a very civilized conversation, and we ended up even better than before the entire misunderstanding.

What I learned?

1. I now know how to stay emotionally detached and stay rational.
2. The reason why people fight has to do more with themselves than the supposed source of their frustration.
3. I now understand why I don't get along with my mother.
4. I am too old to take guilt or blame.
5. C and I are in a great relationship. :)

He and I are getting away for a couple of days. Let's see how we really function under the stress of traveling...

good deed

It was a productive day:

date Tue, Apr 1, 2008 at 12:13 PM
subject President's Council Kudos and Congratulations on exceeding the goal!!

Hi All,

Congratulations on a fantastically successful President’s Breakfast. Today - in a little over an hour - we raised $66,350 in new 3-year pledges, pledge payments, one-time gifts and in-kind contributions!! I know that more gifts will come in the mail over the next several weeks, and we’ll have an updated report when the President’s Council meets on April 17th.

push buttons

My mom came back from overseas. She stayed with me for a night. We proceeded to fight as always.

My sister pointed out that I'm always trying to push Mom's buttons. True, but for the first time, I want to change that.

Happy about the awareness of why and how I could not get along with my mother before. This is the year that I am going to reconcile with her. She doesn't have to do a thing, but I am going to make things better from my end.

ground thyself

Last night, I attended a group healing by Maria. It was nice to introduce friends to my energy person.

We went through an exercise to ground ourselves, and I decided that it will be yet another tool for my spiritual growth.

Just as the meditation has helped me, the grounding reminded me that I don't have to be everyone's savior.

Ironically, my biggest challenge in life is how to focus inward rather than always trying to be everyone's best friend.

coupled but still independent

One benefit of meditation is observing my own emotions with neutrality.

Rather than being caught up by my ups and downs, I can be calm about it.

Given our different interests, C and I have to juggle two different schedules. Sometimes it's frustrating to not be able to be together, but I don't let the frustration get to me.

I welcome the opportunity to be apart and relish being able to be on my own although I am officially in a relationship.

Tonight and tomorrow nights are women's nights. Taking a large group to see my energy lady in a free public session. Tomorrow is the real estate women's dinner at my place. Good thing I still have my girlfriends to fall back on.

Taking the emotional ups and downs out of life makes it more relaxing. Now I can focus on work and the upcoming trips!

letting go

One theme that repeats itself in my life is learning from my past, and the best lessons are the unconscious ones, especially the unintended life experiences.

I never intended to fall in love and marry a dream man, but I did. I am so lucky that the magic of that relationship stays a good memory despite the mutual decision to part ways and divorce.

I never expected to find love again, least of all one so perfect that it humbles me. Nothing about dating C is by the rules, but the fact he also acknowledges our unique path reassures me time and time again.

What do all these life events taught me above all else? That there is a bigger force than me. I must respect fate and allow life to show me what is my destiny. By accepting my ignorance and giving up control, I find peace and fulfillment.

I still struggle to not judge others and myself, and the answer is to be more child-like. Having children may not be my calling right now, but I'm constantly surrounded by children and child-like souls reminding me of pure joy.

I'm truly grateful for life.

outlets

Besides a fulfilling relationship, which doesn't always happen, we need to keep our mind, body and spirit engaged to find happiness.

Am heading to Tahoe for yet another snow trip. It's overnight this time. This may be the last Tahoe trip I arrange b/c I can't justify the time or money much longer. I like day trips because I can have the rest of the weekend free.

Still, I appreciate being able to find activities to occupy me. By adding ice skating to this year's activities, it's that much more fun to spend those dreary nights.

Looking forward to spring. On my list this year are swimming, golf and maybe tennis. I want to master every sport, so I can do something different every week. I now know lots of people who play all these sports, and playing with them is the best way to connect!

jolt the brain

I went all the way to the Chinese Embassy to apply for my visa and realized that I forgot the passports for myself and my travel companion!

Doh!

It's good though. My habit of taking two international trips a year has not reminded me to take the passports because I have been going to places that do not require a visa. Many countries allow US citizens to travel for up to 1 month without a special visa. The last time I applied for a visa was to Brazil in 2005.

Another lucky point is that I was suppose to be at lunch today, so a cancellation gave me the chance to get the passport from my friend before her business trip tomorrow. Everything happens for a reason.

I make so many mistakes in life that it doesn't bother me too much when a mishap arise. I just stay calm and move forward. After all, I've got places to go!

working

C asked me about my college jobs, and there is always a satisfaction of walking back my career memory lane.

I started babysitting when I was 12, and I haven't stopped working since. I worked during college and in grad school. Even when I was married and being supported financially, I temped.

My jobs ranged from bookstore clerk to registration clerk, from receptionist to personal assistant, from law clerk to policy researcher, from urban planner to real estate manager, and of course, attorney. Working my way up is a natural progression of my growth.

There is something satisfying about having a job. Besides the money, I feel more connected to the world around me when I have a routine.

I cannot stress enough the importance of earning my own money. It is through my paychecks that I know when I deserve more. It is through my own income that I can fulfill so many ideas about fun.

Now, work is ever more a central part of my identity. I want to fulfill my destiny in my professional life. With so many accomplishments and having had so much fun, career success seems like the natural next step.

experience

Saw a movie Sunday at the SFIAAF. It was not great, although the topic about an artist was intriguing. It surprised me that I was able to articulate precisely why I would not recommend it.

It occurred to me that after years of watching indie films, I can decipher for myself the difference between good and great.

In the end, that's what I have - the wide range of experience that I am able to place subsequent experiences relative to each other.

The satisfaction of knowing that I have lived fully brings me joy. I feel very lucky and grateful to be me right now.

allowing yourself the gift of true love

Met a guy at one of my singles party who professed that as a happy single, he doesn't need anyone.

Sure, being single has its privileges; it's liberating to answer to no one and to come and go as one pleases.

Still, as a girlfriend reminded me once, everyone deserves to find love and be loved.

I have always looked for love, but I didn't expect it after years of not having it. I was content with lust, infatuation, and mere respect for the boys.

Now that I am falling deeply in love and enjoying every moment, I want to urge people to be open to love.

Love is not compatibility, love is not the end all and be all. I agree with my new friend that love may not make life easier, but I hope that he is willing to risk complications and fall madly in love.

enlightened

Work is back to normal.

I got through the guilt of wishing I could have done better. I tried my best, and it's time to move on.

Found lots of motivation in myself and in just letting things be.

Helps that my cute nephew's picture is on my computer to remind me that life is precious!

mistakes

Made two mistakes at work this week, and it is frustrating for both my boss and myself.

In both instances, I made assumptions about the projects and handed in the wrong products.

It is a hard place to find myself. Had to remind myself that the last job made me who I am, despite all the complaints.

The expectations are quite high here. I can do this. Will rise to the challenge. Will be great.

inspiration

Left work about 1/2 hour early to attend the Citizens Advisory Committee (CAC) that I used to be a member of. I resigned when I changed jobs because I no longer advocate for that employer.

It was a great meeting. I still have so much to learn about the redevelopment process.

The passion of the members and the knowledge of the experts inspired me. I was so inspired that after 2.5 hours of meeting, I drove back to work.

I am now finishing the draft of a memo to give to my boss.

Although dating C has been fun and good for me, I want to focus more on my career. I have so many great opportunities in my life that I want to make the most of them. My job is perfect, and now I am able to step up fully and swing at all the pitches coming my way.

the number one rule...

...is that you must create your own rules.

It took me until my late 20s to understand that having my own rules does not negate many of the compassionate values I hold, such as empathy or generosity. It just means that I'm nice to others on my terms.

For instance, I am active, but I don't enjoy doing things on my own. Thus, I spend a good amount of time networking and catering to others in order to host social events or travel with friends.

The last few years are all about putting my rules into practice, and I love life because I focus on making myself happy rather than measuring myself against other people's rules.

I thought I reached the pinnacle. In some ways, I have. I have figured it out and am simply enjoying it all. I don't expect life to get easier because I want to give ever much more, but I am excited about the challenges ahead. Let's go!