wistful

I was translating a Chinese expression for a friend, and wistful came up.

I have also been thinking about this word because it sums up my attitude about men right now.

I meet great guys, lots of them. For some reason, there has not been one person, in the last five years, who makes me want to settle down.

It's partly me. I want to settle down, but I don't want to settle.

Still, I am ever the optimist. I am ready to plunge back to dating.

The word wistful doesn't have a place in my life any more because it implies regret. I don't regret not having found Mr. Right because I had to first define myself.

revelation

After observing myself from afar in the recent weeks, I finally realized that my life is not going to be about a man or romance right now. Instead, it's going to be all the fun things that are me.

Looking at all the events coming up in the next few weeks, I am most excited about spending some time on my own. There are also plenty of social events. Ironic that the more I keep to myself, the more I can reach out.

I am relieved. Being able to accept my own timeline is a lot easier than fighting unrealistic expectations.

Still, it's all about timing, so I am also going to start dating again. As always, it's when one least expects it.

watching, not judging

Prior to the weekend, I had been practicing the notion of being present and watching my thoughts thanks to the books Power of Now and The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. The entire weekend, I practiced watching my thoughts, especially the negative ones.

I was able to note my emotions, especially the reactionary ones toward loved ones.

It turns out that most of our negative thoughts are not us, but our ego/pained selves. Our true selves are without judgment and reactionary emotions.

Rather than getting upset or over reacting, I simply note my responses and went about my weekend. It was lovely.

Try it. Next time you sense frustration or annoyance, simply observe that emotion. It will free you the burden of having to respond. It will lose its significance because it is not all that important.

My quest for enlightenment begins.