stillness

The new found empathic power not only allows me to see others clearly, it also leads me to my true self.

After years of adapting and accommodating, I finally learned to follow my heart. Even though it is not any easier to be myself, it is more peaceful.

I no longer need to explain myself to anyone else because I can fully accept it all.

It is an odd time because I still live in the same world with the same cast of characters, but now there isn't any more scripts.

World economy

Waiting for a flight home at LAX. My travelmate is irritated by the foreigner talking loudly on his cell phone.

I'm enchanted b/c I want to go to that country and imagine that trip would full of loud conversations in that language.

This domestic trip to New Orleans opened my eyes to how sheltered Americans are.

Although the French Quarter reminded us of so many other international cities, it was still US. Perhaps NOLA's popularity is due to its accessibility; it is a more affordable and safe alternative to Europe.

Well, my biggest lessons came from traveling with a woman old enough to be my mother. Having friends who are different always give me perspective.

Looking forward to the next trip, loud conversations and all.

style

Jetted to a pre-planned vacation with a retired friend. Of course, she had to point out that I was sporadically working.

I no longer expect that others will understand.

To some, I play too much. To others, I work too much.

Facing judgment is a daily occurrence because I choose to be with people who are different from me.

I don't apologize any more and have lost colleagues and friends as a result of my decisions.

How can I regret when this where life has led me? I accept my fate completely and embrace everything that comes my way.

There is a certain ease, despite all the ups and downs. It's getting more fun. The best is yet to happen...

curiosity

In contemplating my move to another state, I wonder if the same feelings my parents felt when they decided to leave the States after living in the South for 10 years. They have fond memories of living in Kentucky, Louisiana and Indianan, but they could not imagine raising us in that part of the world.

I am beginning to feel that I don't fit in this town. It's been hard to connect on a deeper level with people, but I also learned to embrace my difference. The fact that I cannot fit into one neat box is the reason why I know I can thrive elsewhere.

Professionally, I am also hitting that wall. I enjoy my contract gigs, but I long for big projects that are missing in the Bay Area. It's that age old question: do I want to be a small fish in a big pond or a big fish in a big pond? Neither, I just want to be in a place where I am most comfortable being me.

More investigations to come, but I am happy about this freedom to explore and to follow my inner voice.

glimpse

Although I try not to expect anything from life or other people, the bar has been set high. I am naturally drawn to go-getters because they give me road maps. It's been fun to model life after proven patterns. I like picking up hobbies, careers and life paths because someone along the way has nudged me gently in one direction.

Right now, all the uncertainty in many areas of life is forcing me to once again look to myself for a new way of life. Ever since last summer, I have been relying on gut feelings that grow stronger each day. It's lonely at times, but I am used to taking these solo journeys.

It's been curious because I find myself distancing from all the people in my life as if I need this space. It's healthy because I am growing leaps and bounds on my own. Perhaps this is how the next chapter will begin.

generosity

Had a extended conversation with my mother about generosity. She felt that I give so much that I ended short changing myself and my immediate family members.

The conversation started with my idea of moving away from the Bay Area because I don't seem to have the zealous ambition that is rampant in this town.

My mother asked me why these peers are more accomplished, and I had to answer selfishness. I just feel compelled to host and to give to many people in my life.

Is it time to get selfish or can I maintain my sense of generosity and still achieve my dreams?