I moved:
http://jbnoted.blogspot.com/
New beginning. New direction in life. New outlook. Stop by and say hello.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
migrating
The light bulb went on this morning. I am suppose to be observing the world and not share myself.
Although this blog has been fun, just like my matchmaking attempts, it has not been all that useful to others. As much as I tried to get people together, it really is up to them to find their own matches. If this blog has served any purpose, it was to remind me of my own ignorance. I am, after all, just a simple person.
So, I will be setting up the new blog this week. I will add that link next.
Thanks for everyone for indulging me. Hugs.
Although this blog has been fun, just like my matchmaking attempts, it has not been all that useful to others. As much as I tried to get people together, it really is up to them to find their own matches. If this blog has served any purpose, it was to remind me of my own ignorance. I am, after all, just a simple person.
So, I will be setting up the new blog this week. I will add that link next.
Thanks for everyone for indulging me. Hugs.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
confirmation
Had a wink moment. Read a quote this morning that cities determine our lifestyle.
I am ready to leave this city because my lifestyle is changing.
Been struggling with the thought of leaving because I worked to cultivate this very comfortable life.
My relationship with this City has reached its limit because I want a simpler lifestyle.
Now I feel liberated. I have to follow my intuition and leave if that is where life leads me.
It's the right thing to do because I feel more at peace. The isolation from self-employment is the natural first step in this transition.
I am ready to leave this city because my lifestyle is changing.
Been struggling with the thought of leaving because I worked to cultivate this very comfortable life.
My relationship with this City has reached its limit because I want a simpler lifestyle.
Now I feel liberated. I have to follow my intuition and leave if that is where life leads me.
It's the right thing to do because I feel more at peace. The isolation from self-employment is the natural first step in this transition.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
embrace
Now that I am working lots, my lifestyle is changing.
It's good timing as many of my friends have drifted out of my life as people naturally do.
In some ways, I welcome the solitude. It's not easy as I am such a people person.
Still, now that I am aware of the changing circumstances, I am better equipped to deal with the emotional responses.
It makes me wonder that how much unhappiness can be lifted if people simply accept life's inevitable changes.
It's good timing as many of my friends have drifted out of my life as people naturally do.
In some ways, I welcome the solitude. It's not easy as I am such a people person.
Still, now that I am aware of the changing circumstances, I am better equipped to deal with the emotional responses.
It makes me wonder that how much unhappiness can be lifted if people simply accept life's inevitable changes.
Friday, April 24, 2009
can I have it all
Went to dinner as planned. Getting work done much faster, thanks to a lot of organization earlier in the week.
Right as I sat down for dinner, my manager called and offered me more work. Prayers answered or mixed blessing?
I told him I would think it over the next couple of days.
Now I just need a sign...
Right as I sat down for dinner, my manager called and offered me more work. Prayers answered or mixed blessing?
I told him I would think it over the next couple of days.
Now I just need a sign...
life experience
Spent 3 hours trying to fix my internet connection. Am up and running. Good thing I don't need a lot of sleep, or as my contract manager noted after seeing my emails 5 hours apart that I must have good coffee.
Lost time towards deadline. Debating whether to cancel dinner plans.
At least my stunt as acting IT Manager 2 years ago prepared me for this.
Entrepreneurship is good for training this can-do attitude, but am I going to make it doing this or do I always need a paycheck?
Lost time towards deadline. Debating whether to cancel dinner plans.
At least my stunt as acting IT Manager 2 years ago prepared me for this.
Entrepreneurship is good for training this can-do attitude, but am I going to make it doing this or do I always need a paycheck?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
come this way
I feel lucky to be busy with work right now. I never thought I would be career-oriented, but this is the place I am at right now. I must follow the tides and ride above the turbulence.
Right now, kindred spirit is more important than ever. I am grateful for all the people who are reaching out to me.
It is as if someone is watching out for me, so everyday, a little miracle happens to remind me of my fortune.
So the focus is on performing my current contract well and figuring out what's next.
Gratitude triumphs.
Right now, kindred spirit is more important than ever. I am grateful for all the people who are reaching out to me.
It is as if someone is watching out for me, so everyday, a little miracle happens to remind me of my fortune.
So the focus is on performing my current contract well and figuring out what's next.
Gratitude triumphs.
femininity
As I enter the most uncertain period of my life, I feel a sense of calm. This feeling of not knowing exactly what is going to happen suits me! I feel as if I am suppose to abandon the mainstream Western culture of certainty I have known most of my life.
Looking back, I had not expected most of the ups and downs in my life, so why start to second guess what I am suppose to be exactly?
Rather, I shall rely on my intuition to go toward people and places that give me a sense of well being.
Rather than panic with the onset of the uncertainty, I shall rely on the sure things: taking care of my body, mind and spirit and being there for people I care about. That's it.
Happiness comes from a simple life. Well, that and lots of pleasant surprises. Oh...the joy of surprises!
Looking back, I had not expected most of the ups and downs in my life, so why start to second guess what I am suppose to be exactly?
Rather, I shall rely on my intuition to go toward people and places that give me a sense of well being.
Rather than panic with the onset of the uncertainty, I shall rely on the sure things: taking care of my body, mind and spirit and being there for people I care about. That's it.
Happiness comes from a simple life. Well, that and lots of pleasant surprises. Oh...the joy of surprises!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
uncertainty
Why is it that our culture instill in us the need to figure things out?
In talking to a couple of girlfriends who hear their biological clocks ticking, it occurred to me that our culture is making people unhappy by giving them a very narrow view of what is possible.
Perhaps our generation will be the first one where not every woman is a mother by 35. Some of my closest girlfriends are women past childbearing age who didn't have children. Their extra energy has been channeled into fulfilling lives, including enriching mine.
What about changing our viewpoint and embracing uncertainty in order to find happiness?
Does figuring things out and having certainty the answer? If we are truly ourselves all the time, then we can find peace at any given point, in any situation.
In talking to a couple of girlfriends who hear their biological clocks ticking, it occurred to me that our culture is making people unhappy by giving them a very narrow view of what is possible.
Perhaps our generation will be the first one where not every woman is a mother by 35. Some of my closest girlfriends are women past childbearing age who didn't have children. Their extra energy has been channeled into fulfilling lives, including enriching mine.
What about changing our viewpoint and embracing uncertainty in order to find happiness?
Does figuring things out and having certainty the answer? If we are truly ourselves all the time, then we can find peace at any given point, in any situation.
Monday, April 20, 2009
joy
One of the tough things about self-employment is the isolation. As a people person, it is odd to spend so much time on my own.
Still, this time on my own is healthy. I am more aware of the happiness that is a constant in my life.
Similar to many in my family, giving to others bring me the most joy, but I am learning to find the peace in stillness.
Now that I understand that everything is meant to be, there is a certain security and calmness to life.
The uncertainty of the near future is something I have accepted completely. Waiting for life to unfold is a quiet type of happiness; there is an exciting in anticipating all the good things ahead.
Still, this time on my own is healthy. I am more aware of the happiness that is a constant in my life.
Similar to many in my family, giving to others bring me the most joy, but I am learning to find the peace in stillness.
Now that I understand that everything is meant to be, there is a certain security and calmness to life.
The uncertainty of the near future is something I have accepted completely. Waiting for life to unfold is a quiet type of happiness; there is an exciting in anticipating all the good things ahead.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
keeping it to myself
My friend writes about her dating life, and it's been a lot of ups and downs.
Makes me wonder if our tendency to examine everything is ruining romance.
Now that I am focused more on my business, I don't talk to anyone much about what's NOT going on in my dating life.
It's liberating because that's the one area of my life that is completely free. Well, maybe it has something to do with the current characters. Still, I am completely happy with my personal life!
That's why this new professional exploration is so different. I am completely free to go where I need to go, regardless of what's going on in my dating life. Although I didn't believe the spiritual advisers that life will be more career-oriented for a while, I am going down that path.
It's one thing to say that I am following my gut, it's much more liberating to actually do so.
Makes me wonder if our tendency to examine everything is ruining romance.
Now that I am focused more on my business, I don't talk to anyone much about what's NOT going on in my dating life.
It's liberating because that's the one area of my life that is completely free. Well, maybe it has something to do with the current characters. Still, I am completely happy with my personal life!
That's why this new professional exploration is so different. I am completely free to go where I need to go, regardless of what's going on in my dating life. Although I didn't believe the spiritual advisers that life will be more career-oriented for a while, I am going down that path.
It's one thing to say that I am following my gut, it's much more liberating to actually do so.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
stillness
The new found empathic power not only allows me to see others clearly, it also leads me to my true self.
After years of adapting and accommodating, I finally learned to follow my heart. Even though it is not any easier to be myself, it is more peaceful.
I no longer need to explain myself to anyone else because I can fully accept it all.
It is an odd time because I still live in the same world with the same cast of characters, but now there isn't any more scripts.
After years of adapting and accommodating, I finally learned to follow my heart. Even though it is not any easier to be myself, it is more peaceful.
I no longer need to explain myself to anyone else because I can fully accept it all.
It is an odd time because I still live in the same world with the same cast of characters, but now there isn't any more scripts.
World economy
Waiting for a flight home at LAX. My travelmate is irritated by the foreigner talking loudly on his cell phone.
I'm enchanted b/c I want to go to that country and imagine that trip would full of loud conversations in that language.
This domestic trip to New Orleans opened my eyes to how sheltered Americans are.
Although the French Quarter reminded us of so many other international cities, it was still US. Perhaps NOLA's popularity is due to its accessibility; it is a more affordable and safe alternative to Europe.
Well, my biggest lessons came from traveling with a woman old enough to be my mother. Having friends who are different always give me perspective.
Looking forward to the next trip, loud conversations and all.
I'm enchanted b/c I want to go to that country and imagine that trip would full of loud conversations in that language.
This domestic trip to New Orleans opened my eyes to how sheltered Americans are.
Although the French Quarter reminded us of so many other international cities, it was still US. Perhaps NOLA's popularity is due to its accessibility; it is a more affordable and safe alternative to Europe.
Well, my biggest lessons came from traveling with a woman old enough to be my mother. Having friends who are different always give me perspective.
Looking forward to the next trip, loud conversations and all.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
style
Jetted to a pre-planned vacation with a retired friend. Of course, she had to point out that I was sporadically working.
I no longer expect that others will understand.
To some, I play too much. To others, I work too much.
Facing judgment is a daily occurrence because I choose to be with people who are different from me.
I don't apologize any more and have lost colleagues and friends as a result of my decisions.
How can I regret when this where life has led me? I accept my fate completely and embrace everything that comes my way.
There is a certain ease, despite all the ups and downs. It's getting more fun. The best is yet to happen...
I no longer expect that others will understand.
To some, I play too much. To others, I work too much.
Facing judgment is a daily occurrence because I choose to be with people who are different from me.
I don't apologize any more and have lost colleagues and friends as a result of my decisions.
How can I regret when this where life has led me? I accept my fate completely and embrace everything that comes my way.
There is a certain ease, despite all the ups and downs. It's getting more fun. The best is yet to happen...
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
curiosity
In contemplating my move to another state, I wonder if the same feelings my parents felt when they decided to leave the States after living in the South for 10 years. They have fond memories of living in Kentucky, Louisiana and Indianan, but they could not imagine raising us in that part of the world.
I am beginning to feel that I don't fit in this town. It's been hard to connect on a deeper level with people, but I also learned to embrace my difference. The fact that I cannot fit into one neat box is the reason why I know I can thrive elsewhere.
Professionally, I am also hitting that wall. I enjoy my contract gigs, but I long for big projects that are missing in the Bay Area. It's that age old question: do I want to be a small fish in a big pond or a big fish in a big pond? Neither, I just want to be in a place where I am most comfortable being me.
More investigations to come, but I am happy about this freedom to explore and to follow my inner voice.
I am beginning to feel that I don't fit in this town. It's been hard to connect on a deeper level with people, but I also learned to embrace my difference. The fact that I cannot fit into one neat box is the reason why I know I can thrive elsewhere.
Professionally, I am also hitting that wall. I enjoy my contract gigs, but I long for big projects that are missing in the Bay Area. It's that age old question: do I want to be a small fish in a big pond or a big fish in a big pond? Neither, I just want to be in a place where I am most comfortable being me.
More investigations to come, but I am happy about this freedom to explore and to follow my inner voice.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
glimpse
Although I try not to expect anything from life or other people, the bar has been set high. I am naturally drawn to go-getters because they give me road maps. It's been fun to model life after proven patterns. I like picking up hobbies, careers and life paths because someone along the way has nudged me gently in one direction.
Right now, all the uncertainty in many areas of life is forcing me to once again look to myself for a new way of life. Ever since last summer, I have been relying on gut feelings that grow stronger each day. It's lonely at times, but I am used to taking these solo journeys.
It's been curious because I find myself distancing from all the people in my life as if I need this space. It's healthy because I am growing leaps and bounds on my own. Perhaps this is how the next chapter will begin.
Right now, all the uncertainty in many areas of life is forcing me to once again look to myself for a new way of life. Ever since last summer, I have been relying on gut feelings that grow stronger each day. It's lonely at times, but I am used to taking these solo journeys.
It's been curious because I find myself distancing from all the people in my life as if I need this space. It's healthy because I am growing leaps and bounds on my own. Perhaps this is how the next chapter will begin.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
generosity
Had a extended conversation with my mother about generosity. She felt that I give so much that I ended short changing myself and my immediate family members.
The conversation started with my idea of moving away from the Bay Area because I don't seem to have the zealous ambition that is rampant in this town.
My mother asked me why these peers are more accomplished, and I had to answer selfishness. I just feel compelled to host and to give to many people in my life.
Is it time to get selfish or can I maintain my sense of generosity and still achieve my dreams?
The conversation started with my idea of moving away from the Bay Area because I don't seem to have the zealous ambition that is rampant in this town.
My mother asked me why these peers are more accomplished, and I had to answer selfishness. I just feel compelled to host and to give to many people in my life.
Is it time to get selfish or can I maintain my sense of generosity and still achieve my dreams?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
drama...in family ville
My mother grew up very comfortably and was surrounded by people who always said yes to her. Besides hired help and freeloaders, even my grandparents seldom disciplined her because they were too busy and enjoyed spoiling her.
My siblings and I spent much of our lives scrambling to cater to her changing whims. Perhaps we have to thank her for helping us to be so capable!
This weekend is more mother drama. She is upset that all three of us have other relatives staying with us. She feels neglected and is venting by refusing to be picked up from the airport by yours truly as planned weeks ago.
It will be fine. Drama dissolves when one of the parties refuse to escalate the situation. I have learned to sidestep landmines and take care of the situation.
Still, I finally understand why I was never interested in dating guys who are financially accomplished - I had a fear of raising spoiled kids!
Humility is such an important trait, but how does one instill that in an environment of material abundance? Now that I have it all figured out, who knew the answer could be so simple?
I have to continue to improve to impart all that is noble.
My siblings and I spent much of our lives scrambling to cater to her changing whims. Perhaps we have to thank her for helping us to be so capable!
This weekend is more mother drama. She is upset that all three of us have other relatives staying with us. She feels neglected and is venting by refusing to be picked up from the airport by yours truly as planned weeks ago.
It will be fine. Drama dissolves when one of the parties refuse to escalate the situation. I have learned to sidestep landmines and take care of the situation.
Still, I finally understand why I was never interested in dating guys who are financially accomplished - I had a fear of raising spoiled kids!
Humility is such an important trait, but how does one instill that in an environment of material abundance? Now that I have it all figured out, who knew the answer could be so simple?
I have to continue to improve to impart all that is noble.
Friday, April 10, 2009
twins
My cousin J was the first person whom I can say is a mirror image of me. We are so alike that sometimes I cannot stand him.
Tonight, I met another twin.
It was eerie to have someone describe themselves as if I was talking. Every detail, down to the way this person was raised, to passion for cars, to having separate groups of friends to attitude about money.
This mirror of a person will certain help me grow.
On another note. Thought I was getting a couple of weeks off. Instead, second contract is in full swing. No more Tahoe trips or long lunches for the next two weeks. Time to ramp up!!
Tonight, I met another twin.
It was eerie to have someone describe themselves as if I was talking. Every detail, down to the way this person was raised, to passion for cars, to having separate groups of friends to attitude about money.
This mirror of a person will certain help me grow.
On another note. Thought I was getting a couple of weeks off. Instead, second contract is in full swing. No more Tahoe trips or long lunches for the next two weeks. Time to ramp up!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
time, money and energy
The last round of sparring with my former manager made me see the balance of resources.
I have always had more time than everyone else because I have not focused on money as much. Instead, money is the mere tool to focus on my numerous outlets. By manipulating my energy and carefully manage inefficiencies, money is always enough and time is the bonus.
The interplay between resources is more important than ever. Rather than just try to make more money, I continue to change my priorities and following my passions.
Even people. Who I am focusing my energy on may not make sense on first glance, and some of it is chance. People with good souls are worth every minute because they give me the energy to get through it all.
So, new contract, new beginning, and I cannot wait!!
I have always had more time than everyone else because I have not focused on money as much. Instead, money is the mere tool to focus on my numerous outlets. By manipulating my energy and carefully manage inefficiencies, money is always enough and time is the bonus.
The interplay between resources is more important than ever. Rather than just try to make more money, I continue to change my priorities and following my passions.
Even people. Who I am focusing my energy on may not make sense on first glance, and some of it is chance. People with good souls are worth every minute because they give me the energy to get through it all.
So, new contract, new beginning, and I cannot wait!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
turbulence
Learned how to stand up paddle today.
It was so fun. Good metaphor for life. When there is turbulence, just keep steady and embrace the waves. Sure, I fell off a few times, but it was easy to get back on. Yet another reminder that don't ever let fear or negativity get in the way of the journey.
On another note, had some major turbulence for the first contract today. Revealing as to the character of the parties involved. Second contract is about to start, so I can only focus and move on.
This is the year that I transition from me the individual to me the businessperson.
It was so fun. Good metaphor for life. When there is turbulence, just keep steady and embrace the waves. Sure, I fell off a few times, but it was easy to get back on. Yet another reminder that don't ever let fear or negativity get in the way of the journey.
On another note, had some major turbulence for the first contract today. Revealing as to the character of the parties involved. Second contract is about to start, so I can only focus and move on.
This is the year that I transition from me the individual to me the businessperson.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
destiny
Part of going with the flow means that I accept fate's nudges. I don't question why people choose to come and go, and I don't doubt my intuition. I may not always understand the turn of events, but a deeper appreciation of what is meant to be gives me calm in times of uncertainty.
I have taken so many risks in personal and professional arenas that I am just as surprised as the next person that I am not jaded. Still, my increasing connectivity to the higher source allows me to withstand bigger challenges. All those baby steps of defiance and determination has led to giant leaps of play and exploration.
Looking back, I cannot say that I intended to be self-employed or single at this point, but I welcome this moment in time. The beauty of life is in its uniqueness and not its ability to conform. I still don't know what will happen next, and I will not limit myself by expecting or judging.
This way of living in the moment may be unconventional, but I no longer know how to fit neatly into a straight line or a pretty little box. Yes, the way I am has eliminated a lot of job possibilities and romantic interests, but my intuition guides me not to a destination but a journey.
So, as I continue on this very windy road, I shall sit back, relax and enjoy the ride!
I have taken so many risks in personal and professional arenas that I am just as surprised as the next person that I am not jaded. Still, my increasing connectivity to the higher source allows me to withstand bigger challenges. All those baby steps of defiance and determination has led to giant leaps of play and exploration.
Looking back, I cannot say that I intended to be self-employed or single at this point, but I welcome this moment in time. The beauty of life is in its uniqueness and not its ability to conform. I still don't know what will happen next, and I will not limit myself by expecting or judging.
This way of living in the moment may be unconventional, but I no longer know how to fit neatly into a straight line or a pretty little box. Yes, the way I am has eliminated a lot of job possibilities and romantic interests, but my intuition guides me not to a destination but a journey.
So, as I continue on this very windy road, I shall sit back, relax and enjoy the ride!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
N-R-G
Reporting from Oahu.
It is a different place here, but people have embraced me. I am having a great time here, but who knows what will happen next?
Being in the present is still a struggle. I am letting go many expectations, but spiritual growth happens at its own pace.
I am falling in love, without any expectations of being loved. Is it foolish or smart? I have followed my gut completely, and time will tell whether it is to lead me to or away from my destiny.
More to unfold in the coming year.
It is a different place here, but people have embraced me. I am having a great time here, but who knows what will happen next?
Being in the present is still a struggle. I am letting go many expectations, but spiritual growth happens at its own pace.
I am falling in love, without any expectations of being loved. Is it foolish or smart? I have followed my gut completely, and time will tell whether it is to lead me to or away from my destiny.
More to unfold in the coming year.
Monday, March 30, 2009
role of a manager
The manager's purpose is to get things done, and I firmly believe a big part of that is to protect the staff.
I got a call at 950pm today that at 2pm today, the top brass for the client decided to change directions.
I am suppose to be on vacation, but I will hustle to get this done.
I don't mind because it revealed that the middle manager at the client (a formal manager of mine in this business!) and my direct manager did not protect the interests of us contractors.
Now I understand that part of the reason why this industry went to contracting was because employees kept defecting when they did not feel valued.
Let me explain by saying that the agreed upon submittal date was next Wednesday, but
now we are all hurried to turn things in this Friday. A difference of three days...
I am grateful for this contract because I am meant to return to learn new lessons.
I got a call at 950pm today that at 2pm today, the top brass for the client decided to change directions.
I am suppose to be on vacation, but I will hustle to get this done.
I don't mind because it revealed that the middle manager at the client (a formal manager of mine in this business!) and my direct manager did not protect the interests of us contractors.
Now I understand that part of the reason why this industry went to contracting was because employees kept defecting when they did not feel valued.
Let me explain by saying that the agreed upon submittal date was next Wednesday, but
now we are all hurried to turn things in this Friday. A difference of three days...
I am grateful for this contract because I am meant to return to learn new lessons.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
projection
I am amused by all the advice I have gotten ever since I announced that I might relocate for the guy I am dating.
The overwhelming theme? Fear. Every other person is speaking from a place of caution.
It's nice that everyone cares, but for someone like myself who has very little fear, the advice is almost like a dare. I can win the lottery if all the warnings will come true.
I will just appreciate the thought but still make my own decisions. Nothing has changed. I have been operating this way since age of 6, when I started to make my own choices. Yes I am very lucky that my parents are strong enough to foster my free spirit.
All I can do is follow my gut and continue to let good things happen.
The overwhelming theme? Fear. Every other person is speaking from a place of caution.
It's nice that everyone cares, but for someone like myself who has very little fear, the advice is almost like a dare. I can win the lottery if all the warnings will come true.
I will just appreciate the thought but still make my own decisions. Nothing has changed. I have been operating this way since age of 6, when I started to make my own choices. Yes I am very lucky that my parents are strong enough to foster my free spirit.
All I can do is follow my gut and continue to let good things happen.
Friday, March 27, 2009
asking and receiving
Just sent off three e-mails to contacts in the location I might move to next year.
It's amazing that I got these names from the professional development chair of the local chapter of American Planning Association. Having a total stranger help me gives me so much optimism about moving away.
Even if the three contacts don't result in a meeting, I feel lucky to get more ideas about how to make this transition work.
No expectations, but when things happen so naturally I get so excited! YAY!
It's amazing that I got these names from the professional development chair of the local chapter of American Planning Association. Having a total stranger help me gives me so much optimism about moving away.
Even if the three contacts don't result in a meeting, I feel lucky to get more ideas about how to make this transition work.
No expectations, but when things happen so naturally I get so excited! YAY!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Alone but not lonely
Hit a bump with work this week. First contractor is upset about my second contract.
Lesson: as a contractor, I don't have any obligation to disclose anything after I secure the contract.
Also eye-opening as the second contractor welcomes my experience with the first contractor and big-name client.
As I throw myself into work, I also see that my devotion to friends and men held me back professionally.
I am finally ready to focus on my business and financial future. My lifestyle is too expensive for me to just let things happen.
Being intuitive means letting go of ties that are not in alignment with my goals and form new connections.
I am proud of this new direction. This next chapter is me the businesswoman.
Lesson: as a contractor, I don't have any obligation to disclose anything after I secure the contract.
Also eye-opening as the second contractor welcomes my experience with the first contractor and big-name client.
As I throw myself into work, I also see that my devotion to friends and men held me back professionally.
I am finally ready to focus on my business and financial future. My lifestyle is too expensive for me to just let things happen.
Being intuitive means letting go of ties that are not in alignment with my goals and form new connections.
I am proud of this new direction. This next chapter is me the businesswoman.
Monday, March 23, 2009
the lessons from sports
This new job is like learning a new sport: rocky in the beginning.
I have been having some rough days, but this is all mere transition.
I have fallen so many times in learning all the different sports that I don't stay frustrated long when life hands me lots of bumps on the road. I know just what this is - adjustment period before mastery.
It feels great to go at my own pace. I know my co-workers get frustrated with me, but I am just doing things my own way in order to get them done.
Things are far from perfect, but I am relishing in this difficulty. All difficulty will pass.
I have been having some rough days, but this is all mere transition.
I have fallen so many times in learning all the different sports that I don't stay frustrated long when life hands me lots of bumps on the road. I know just what this is - adjustment period before mastery.
It feels great to go at my own pace. I know my co-workers get frustrated with me, but I am just doing things my own way in order to get them done.
Things are far from perfect, but I am relishing in this difficulty. All difficulty will pass.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Good advice
My 19-year-old cousin told me that for women her age, dating is just for fun.
I love how for her generation, men come after self.
I feel much better that I have had the luxury of having some fun in my 30s to make up for lost opportunities.
Now I'm ready to settle down.
I love how for her generation, men come after self.
I feel much better that I have had the luxury of having some fun in my 30s to make up for lost opportunities.
Now I'm ready to settle down.
craziness
I received another contract work this week. Not as big of a contract, but still work to allow me to continue to fly out to explore the potential relocation.
The new work also reminded me that contract work is also about securing future work, and I love that idea!
The thought of controlling what I will be doing is so exciting, and it is also an opportunity to develop my career all on my own.
This sense of control is exhilarating!
The new work also reminded me that contract work is also about securing future work, and I love that idea!
The thought of controlling what I will be doing is so exciting, and it is also an opportunity to develop my career all on my own.
This sense of control is exhilarating!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
contracting
Went through two demand weeks of work. I tried to keep up my personal life during crunch time, so it was stressful at times.
My body went into shock because I cut back sleep, but it's good practice for motherhood.
The experience gave me food for thought about the business and the nature of contracting. There is a certain amount of over-promising to get the job, but then subcontractors like me scramble to uphold unrealistic expectations.
At the same time, I am very grateful for the work. Need to make enough money to focus on my other priorities, including building the business.
Life is so good right now. Who knew unemployment would give me this appreciation for work and life?
My body went into shock because I cut back sleep, but it's good practice for motherhood.
The experience gave me food for thought about the business and the nature of contracting. There is a certain amount of over-promising to get the job, but then subcontractors like me scramble to uphold unrealistic expectations.
At the same time, I am very grateful for the work. Need to make enough money to focus on my other priorities, including building the business.
Life is so good right now. Who knew unemployment would give me this appreciation for work and life?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Coming and going
Had a fallout with a girlfriend. She heard gossip about herself through one of my friends and felt betrayed.
It's too bad because I appreciated her company in the last three months.
Sometime things happen outside of our control. The two other people who gabbed had no idea that they would ruin a friendship.
But isn't friendship suppse to withstand such turbulence?
I've lost enough connections to accept the sadness the comes with moving on.
It's too bad because I appreciated her company in the last three months.
Sometime things happen outside of our control. The two other people who gabbed had no idea that they would ruin a friendship.
But isn't friendship suppse to withstand such turbulence?
I've lost enough connections to accept the sadness the comes with moving on.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
impatience
I do have many flaws. The trick is to embrace all that is me and to work with my limitations.
One struggle I have is impatience. I have very little patience, and the consequence is especially glaring in my career. Rather than waiting for ventures to pan out, I jump from job to job when things are not quite right.
Actually, the same can be said about romantic relationships. If a guy gives me a bad feeling, I usually end the ties to avoid drama.
Now that I am more certain of what I want, I am willing to wait for it, in both professional and personal arenas.
It is almost delicious how I have to wait for everything to fall in place. It is wonderful to be old enough to appreciate the wait.
One struggle I have is impatience. I have very little patience, and the consequence is especially glaring in my career. Rather than waiting for ventures to pan out, I jump from job to job when things are not quite right.
Actually, the same can be said about romantic relationships. If a guy gives me a bad feeling, I usually end the ties to avoid drama.
Now that I am more certain of what I want, I am willing to wait for it, in both professional and personal arenas.
It is almost delicious how I have to wait for everything to fall in place. It is wonderful to be old enough to appreciate the wait.
Friday, March 13, 2009
perfect balance
Worked all day, and things got done. It was a bit tiring at the end; finally see the value of having support staff. I miss having secretaries!!
Discovered the reason that my home is messy because I work here and have yet to figure out a separation between the two lives.
Well, three, counting dating someone far away. K called after attending a wedding. I had just emailed him lamenting the desire to talk after my exhausting day. It didn't occur to me until just now that he had no idea that I needed him...or did he?
Magical things keep happening...Ahhh...
Discovered the reason that my home is messy because I work here and have yet to figure out a separation between the two lives.
Well, three, counting dating someone far away. K called after attending a wedding. I had just emailed him lamenting the desire to talk after my exhausting day. It didn't occur to me until just now that he had no idea that I needed him...or did he?
Magical things keep happening...Ahhh...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
new mission
Started to write about something else but decided to hang onto it for myself.
Surprised at the shift. Even though I am a very open person, I am starting to value privacy and time away from others.
The irony is that this alone time has enhanced my experience with others, and vice versa. The farmer's market was especially rewarding this morning because being by myself allowed me to appreciate the plight of the farmers.
I finally understand that this is not going to be about me but the world as a whole. What can I do today to make this world a better place?
Surprised at the shift. Even though I am a very open person, I am starting to value privacy and time away from others.
The irony is that this alone time has enhanced my experience with others, and vice versa. The farmer's market was especially rewarding this morning because being by myself allowed me to appreciate the plight of the farmers.
I finally understand that this is not going to be about me but the world as a whole. What can I do today to make this world a better place?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
musings about intuition
A recent conversation led to a new conclusion about intuition.
A friend has a premonition that she will marry someone other than her current boyfriend. Her "intuition" is creating worries and fears.
It occurred to me that intuition is a positive, natural extension of our true selves. I told her that the dream she has is neutral and probably a gut feeling, but her response is not intuition. Rather, it is fear, which is similar to intuition and an emotional response to a vision.
Intuition is like a skill. The more one practices, the better one is at recognizing and relying on it. It is in fact our true selves, something that feels right, all the time.
Another friend had asked me to "guide" him, but only one can do that for oneself. That's the irony of intuition: we have to rely on it in order for it to prosper, yet often, our fears prohibit us from ever partaking in that journey.
So this is my tip to my friend: let the simple responses of positive and negative feelings guide you initially until you recognize your gut. Then, slowly, the intuition will come naturally, and you will know what to do, always.
A friend has a premonition that she will marry someone other than her current boyfriend. Her "intuition" is creating worries and fears.
It occurred to me that intuition is a positive, natural extension of our true selves. I told her that the dream she has is neutral and probably a gut feeling, but her response is not intuition. Rather, it is fear, which is similar to intuition and an emotional response to a vision.
Intuition is like a skill. The more one practices, the better one is at recognizing and relying on it. It is in fact our true selves, something that feels right, all the time.
Another friend had asked me to "guide" him, but only one can do that for oneself. That's the irony of intuition: we have to rely on it in order for it to prosper, yet often, our fears prohibit us from ever partaking in that journey.
So this is my tip to my friend: let the simple responses of positive and negative feelings guide you initially until you recognize your gut. Then, slowly, the intuition will come naturally, and you will know what to do, always.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Relativity
Never thought of myself as ambitious because I'm drawn to extremely high achievers.
Tonight, a new friend observed that I am quite ambitious, especially relative to who she knows.
I never saw myself as such because I don't expect very much from life.
Most of my efforts in life is to gather inspirations and ideas and to excute visions. That's all.
Whereas most of my close friends want to rule the world, I'm just a simple woman.
Tonight, a new friend observed that I am quite ambitious, especially relative to who she knows.
I never saw myself as such because I don't expect very much from life.
Most of my efforts in life is to gather inspirations and ideas and to excute visions. That's all.
Whereas most of my close friends want to rule the world, I'm just a simple woman.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
let it rain
Spent the past three days on site walks. Often, the team was on rooftops.
Of course, I happened to be on some of the tallest roofs in the neighborhood, so the views were breath-taking.
Even in the rain.
Although I always enjoyed nature, I have a whole new level of appreciation for the outdoors. The connection between myself and the world has just deepened.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
switching gear
Work is moving right along. Didn't even mind that I spent most of the five hours working today in the rain. Love being outside now that I have all the right gear from hiking/snow sports.
Amused that the title of this post refers to the changes happening in my life, but the metaphor for switching outfits applies too.
Now that I have all the tools I will ever need, I am comfortable making transitions.
First things first. Career stability, financial independence, giving back, and maybe love?
Amused that the title of this post refers to the changes happening in my life, but the metaphor for switching outfits applies too.
Now that I have all the tools I will ever need, I am comfortable making transitions.
First things first. Career stability, financial independence, giving back, and maybe love?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
alternative v. conventional
Went to a bridal shower today and realized that I am quite alternative in my viewpoint that I should no longer attend these traditional events.
Most people hang on to tradition because it gives them a sense of identity and connection.
As someone who is spiritual and intuitive, I do not need conventional rituals or tools to relate to others.
I want to support my friends and family as I am grateful for their presence in my life. Still, I will stick to one-on-one to stay connected.
Most people hang on to tradition because it gives them a sense of identity and connection.
As someone who is spiritual and intuitive, I do not need conventional rituals or tools to relate to others.
I want to support my friends and family as I am grateful for their presence in my life. Still, I will stick to one-on-one to stay connected.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
capturing this momentum
My favorite thing about working for myself is the way life and work blend seamlessly into one another. There is a satisfaction to be able to work and play on my own.
Yesterday, I took off most of the day to run errands and attend a retirement lunch. Found out about some opportunities with my ex-employer, so I will follow up with that organization.
Came home and worked. Phone calls with colleagues in preparation for next week's site walks. To visit almost fifty buildings in the next two weeks require some stamina, but it's mostly organization.
I worked up until my ride for dinner picked me up. Even better that my friend was delayed, so I could get out a few more emails.
Ready to work some more today. It will be interesting to observe whether self-employment will do away with most of the inefficiency I observed in corporations and larger organizations.
Next is networking and philanthropy. Life is exciting right now because I am finally growing in all the meaningful directions!
Yesterday, I took off most of the day to run errands and attend a retirement lunch. Found out about some opportunities with my ex-employer, so I will follow up with that organization.
Came home and worked. Phone calls with colleagues in preparation for next week's site walks. To visit almost fifty buildings in the next two weeks require some stamina, but it's mostly organization.
I worked up until my ride for dinner picked me up. Even better that my friend was delayed, so I could get out a few more emails.
Ready to work some more today. It will be interesting to observe whether self-employment will do away with most of the inefficiency I observed in corporations and larger organizations.
Next is networking and philanthropy. Life is exciting right now because I am finally growing in all the meaningful directions!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
philanthropy
Starting to help out causes.
Finally understand why I am here. To be, to do, and to give.
More exciting adventures ahead. Now that I am never alone, I can do great things.
Finally understand why I am here. To be, to do, and to give.
More exciting adventures ahead. Now that I am never alone, I can do great things.
yay!
Two setups that I made are still going strong. One almost three months!
Another friend called to tell me that he got married...at City Hall, and their big celebration is forthcoming.
Want everyone to be happy. I know how to make myself happy, with or without company. At the same time, I understand the power of having a significant other, and it seems to mean so much to everyone around me.
Here's to finding love!
Another friend called to tell me that he got married...at City Hall, and their big celebration is forthcoming.
Want everyone to be happy. I know how to make myself happy, with or without company. At the same time, I understand the power of having a significant other, and it seems to mean so much to everyone around me.
Here's to finding love!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
new job suits me
Started this post while sitting in my car at Treasure Island. I love planning because of the relationship with places.
Although I'm a people person, I appreciate spaces and their reflections about people.
Places are always what I can count on when I am on my own. Several life experiences have been independent, including now working for myself.
I must embrace this solitude and appreciate being on my own.
Although I'm a people person, I appreciate spaces and their reflections about people.
Places are always what I can count on when I am on my own. Several life experiences have been independent, including now working for myself.
I must embrace this solitude and appreciate being on my own.
Monday, February 23, 2009
defining myself
Some friends have been cautioning me against throwing myself so completely in the latest man.
Why not?
I finally realized that not everyone can live without fear as me, especially in dating and love.
Taking risk is such a big part of my identity, and now that I am ever more spiritual, it's easy to take even bigger risks. I love that feeling of free falling because like a cat, I trust that I will have enough time and reflex to land firmly on my feet.
Rather than wasting time worrying or over-analyzing, I am completely focused on enjoying every present moment.
I don't know what's going to happen with this long-distance relationship. I am simply savoring every moment of connecting with the most beautiful person I have ever met...
Why not?
I finally realized that not everyone can live without fear as me, especially in dating and love.
Taking risk is such a big part of my identity, and now that I am ever more spiritual, it's easy to take even bigger risks. I love that feeling of free falling because like a cat, I trust that I will have enough time and reflex to land firmly on my feet.
Rather than wasting time worrying or over-analyzing, I am completely focused on enjoying every present moment.
I don't know what's going to happen with this long-distance relationship. I am simply savoring every moment of connecting with the most beautiful person I have ever met...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
flattered
Someone told me last night that I don't have any worries because I am detached.
That was the best compliment I have ever received.
That was the best compliment I have ever received.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
energy
The most precious commodity we have is our spiritual selves. Just like time and money, we must carefully observe what drains and enriches our souls.
Lately, I noticed that many people waste precious energy by obsessing over an emotional matter or let fear sap their energy.
Be still, and allow the answers to come naturally.
Be open, and let the fears dissipate.
Be accepting, and your inner self will guide you to your destiny.
Life is simple if we let it be.
Lately, I noticed that many people waste precious energy by obsessing over an emotional matter or let fear sap their energy.
Be still, and allow the answers to come naturally.
Be open, and let the fears dissipate.
Be accepting, and your inner self will guide you to your destiny.
Life is simple if we let it be.
Friday, February 20, 2009
evolving once again
I am finally ready to settle down.
Rather than getting dressed up to go out. All I want to do tonight is work and read my library books.
Also focusing on work and swimming. Perhaps I don't need to go out to dance because my body is in that state of exhausting from swimming three hours ago.
Loving this balance right now with work and personal life. It is as if I have been prepared for self-employment my whole life. My life has always been about doing everything, and I live off that high of juggling everything all at once.
It's ironic because I thought spirituality and meditation is about slowing down, and I am. Except now I am doing more than ever and feeling so happy. Love this pushing of my mind, body and spirit!
Rather than getting dressed up to go out. All I want to do tonight is work and read my library books.
Also focusing on work and swimming. Perhaps I don't need to go out to dance because my body is in that state of exhausting from swimming three hours ago.
Loving this balance right now with work and personal life. It is as if I have been prepared for self-employment my whole life. My life has always been about doing everything, and I live off that high of juggling everything all at once.
It's ironic because I thought spirituality and meditation is about slowing down, and I am. Except now I am doing more than ever and feeling so happy. Love this pushing of my mind, body and spirit!
in bloom
Bought my ticket to go far away to visit my kindred spirit in 6 weeks.
!!!
It's been such an adventure, and work is also taking off. I established great rapport with my colleagues, and I am starting to see the possibilities of working for myself.
I don't have any fear, so it's the ideal setup.
Plus, I can stay up and sleep in, and there is no one to answer to except my deadlines for the clients.
The balance is incredible, as I am so happy. Plus, I am in a great place with all my friends and family. Life is perfect right now...
!!!
It's been such an adventure, and work is also taking off. I established great rapport with my colleagues, and I am starting to see the possibilities of working for myself.
I don't have any fear, so it's the ideal setup.
Plus, I can stay up and sleep in, and there is no one to answer to except my deadlines for the clients.
The balance is incredible, as I am so happy. Plus, I am in a great place with all my friends and family. Life is perfect right now...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Reconnecting
First day of work!
Full circle as I met several ex-coworkers at the client site. Some of them formed competing companies against the one that I currently contract for. Also ran into the former colleague who taught me almost everything I know in wireless planning! He now manages a project for the client; I am looking forward to reconnecting with him and his lovely wife, who treated me as an old friend from the very beginning.
I have been very lucky to meet amazing people who taught me compassion and acceptance. I am glad to return to this industry because of the people.
Full circle as I met several ex-coworkers at the client site. Some of them formed competing companies against the one that I currently contract for. Also ran into the former colleague who taught me almost everything I know in wireless planning! He now manages a project for the client; I am looking forward to reconnecting with him and his lovely wife, who treated me as an old friend from the very beginning.
I have been very lucky to meet amazing people who taught me compassion and acceptance. I am glad to return to this industry because of the people.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
a new adventure
Setting up the business is like a good relationship: full of wonder and learning.
There is a lot of excitement as I never expected to be working for myself, so everything is new. I am trying to enjoy this experience and continue to rely on my intuition.
Life is completely different now as I simply let my higher self guide me.
There is no fear, no worry, no stress, just surrender to the natural next step. There is a certain gentleness to life now that never existed. I am more patient, compassionate and appreciative.
It's a good time to be striking out on my own.
There is a lot of excitement as I never expected to be working for myself, so everything is new. I am trying to enjoy this experience and continue to rely on my intuition.
Life is completely different now as I simply let my higher self guide me.
There is no fear, no worry, no stress, just surrender to the natural next step. There is a certain gentleness to life now that never existed. I am more patient, compassionate and appreciative.
It's a good time to be striking out on my own.
Friday, February 13, 2009
new sport
I went to the pool last night. It was kickboard day. I relish in learning new sports; each activity introduces me to muscles that I didn't know existed. It's like acquiring a different body. Although I sometimes wished for a more athletic childhood, learning everything as an adult gives me tremendous pleasure. The mental and spiritual transformations are less noticeable but key to mastery; there must be acceptance for metamorphosis.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
excitement
Ordered my business card and ready to work for myself! It feels great to have a contract lined up and maybe more opportunities on the horizon.
Amused because I have worked for a public agency, nonprofits, municipalities, law firms, solo practitioners, a Fortune 500 corporation, and a privately-held company. Self-employment seems like the natural next step.
On top of my core function, I have dealt with PR, Marketing, Operations, Legal, and even Management issues, so it seems logical that I would have to be THE BOSS.
Life makes sense if we just step back and let it all happen.
The celebration continues!!
Amused because I have worked for a public agency, nonprofits, municipalities, law firms, solo practitioners, a Fortune 500 corporation, and a privately-held company. Self-employment seems like the natural next step.
On top of my core function, I have dealt with PR, Marketing, Operations, Legal, and even Management issues, so it seems logical that I would have to be THE BOSS.
Life makes sense if we just step back and let it all happen.
The celebration continues!!
Monday, February 9, 2009
social networking
Met up with several friends from around the country, and they all wondered why I am not on the IT social networking site.
Intuitively, people always appear as needed in my life. Currently, I am trying to pare down my life rather than meet more people as I have spent so much time on my social life that it has created conflict with my career and love life. Life seems to function well as is.
Case in point, I managed to get 7 people from 6 cities together for a ski trip in Salt Lake just fine.
If I need to be on a website to stay in touch with people, I would sign up.
Intuitively, people always appear as needed in my life. Currently, I am trying to pare down my life rather than meet more people as I have spent so much time on my social life that it has created conflict with my career and love life. Life seems to function well as is.
Case in point, I managed to get 7 people from 6 cities together for a ski trip in Salt Lake just fine.
If I need to be on a website to stay in touch with people, I would sign up.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
the life we have chosen
I finally realized the purpose of all my social outlets: to figure out how for myself what type of life that I want.
I am forever indebted to my parents, who gave me the freedom to figure things out on my own.
It took a long time, but I finally know with conviction who I am. A big part of me is my lifestyle. I finally understand what are the sacred rituals and what are the fungibles.
Same thing with time. Ultimately, I am looking to spend time with people and activities who are a reflection of myself. Previously, I was so open to every type of friends, but slowly, I will pare down my free time and focus on what's truly important.
It took quite a long time, but I am glad for the detour. It's time to cultivate my garden of life.
I am forever indebted to my parents, who gave me the freedom to figure things out on my own.
It took a long time, but I finally know with conviction who I am. A big part of me is my lifestyle. I finally understand what are the sacred rituals and what are the fungibles.
Same thing with time. Ultimately, I am looking to spend time with people and activities who are a reflection of myself. Previously, I was so open to every type of friends, but slowly, I will pare down my free time and focus on what's truly important.
It took quite a long time, but I am glad for the detour. It's time to cultivate my garden of life.
Friday, February 6, 2009
falling in love
This new relationship is the why for all my life experience..
All the ups and downs from other relationships allowed me to recognize how special it is to connect with someone at this level.
And now I know exactly what to do, especially given the distance. It's the best relationship because I am at my absolute best right now.
Sure, I had hoped for this, but relationships were always a struggle. I remained optimistic, and that attitude has made all the difference.
Of course, I know that this can all disappear any moment, and that's why I can give unconditionally. Always act w/o reservations and regrets.
Following my heart is now second nature. It makes me proud to say that I am completely happy!
All the ups and downs from other relationships allowed me to recognize how special it is to connect with someone at this level.
And now I know exactly what to do, especially given the distance. It's the best relationship because I am at my absolute best right now.
Sure, I had hoped for this, but relationships were always a struggle. I remained optimistic, and that attitude has made all the difference.
Of course, I know that this can all disappear any moment, and that's why I can give unconditionally. Always act w/o reservations and regrets.
Following my heart is now second nature. It makes me proud to say that I am completely happy!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
just like that
I signed a contract to consult for ex-coworker's planning firm. Will be applying for permits in SF. Contract should last through the summer.
Life is easy if I just let it be.
By removing worries, stress and pressure, everything all of a sudden seems so easy.
Perhaps it's karma. I offered to drive a friend to and from his knee surgery, not realizing that the operation was at 6am! It was fine, and I am glad to reconnect with a good soul.
Celebrations anyone?
Life is easy if I just let it be.
By removing worries, stress and pressure, everything all of a sudden seems so easy.
Perhaps it's karma. I offered to drive a friend to and from his knee surgery, not realizing that the operation was at 6am! It was fine, and I am glad to reconnect with a good soul.
Celebrations anyone?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
whirlwind
Got caught up in a new romance the past month.
The magic has surpassed anything I have ever felt. To meet someone with whom I connect in every aspect. One of the biggest turn-ons has been our continual discussion of urban planning ideas, and the guy doesn't even have an academic background in the subject!
Most importantly, I found someone who is a true reflection of me.
Now, I just have to figure out how to resolve the 2,000 miles distance...
The magic has surpassed anything I have ever felt. To meet someone with whom I connect in every aspect. One of the biggest turn-ons has been our continual discussion of urban planning ideas, and the guy doesn't even have an academic background in the subject!
Most importantly, I found someone who is a true reflection of me.
Now, I just have to figure out how to resolve the 2,000 miles distance...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
celebrating men
For some time now, I debated on whether meeting a man was a life goal for me.
I love my life as is, so every time a relationship gets serious, it doesn't feel like me. Either I run away, or I overwhelm the other person and drive him away. The ups and downs were enough to fill two blogs.
Then, all this time off gave me another perspective: just chill.
Although I have been leading an active life, there was always a fast pace to my life. All of a sudden, I am slowing down.
It's nice. Everything is falling into place, one by one. I have all the time in the world to enjoy every aspect of my life, including dating. I don't have to figure relationships out. Men are works of art, to be appreciated.
So this next wave of writing will be musings about this wonderful species...
I love my life as is, so every time a relationship gets serious, it doesn't feel like me. Either I run away, or I overwhelm the other person and drive him away. The ups and downs were enough to fill two blogs.
Then, all this time off gave me another perspective: just chill.
Although I have been leading an active life, there was always a fast pace to my life. All of a sudden, I am slowing down.
It's nice. Everything is falling into place, one by one. I have all the time in the world to enjoy every aspect of my life, including dating. I don't have to figure relationships out. Men are works of art, to be appreciated.
So this next wave of writing will be musings about this wonderful species...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
new practice
Much of this new phase of my life has to do with the practice of letting go. There is a certain respect for letting things happen as they may.
When I tell people that I believe in fate, rejection is a common reaction. The sense that we don't completely control our lives make people uncomfortable.
Acceptance of fate does not mean laziness or lack of effort. Letting go is the confidence that everything will work out. Having that belief allows me to take big risks and to put my best effort forward.
This new belief allows me to negate all fears. It feels so wonderful to navigate through life without any fears or worries. To feel this sense of liberation!
Surprisingly, there is also a sense of responsibility because I can be purposeful rather than getting caught up in the details or the petty emotional responses.
It is also isolating because so few people are at this place of calm and acceptance. Still, I am grateful for being at this place.
When I tell people that I believe in fate, rejection is a common reaction. The sense that we don't completely control our lives make people uncomfortable.
Acceptance of fate does not mean laziness or lack of effort. Letting go is the confidence that everything will work out. Having that belief allows me to take big risks and to put my best effort forward.
This new belief allows me to negate all fears. It feels so wonderful to navigate through life without any fears or worries. To feel this sense of liberation!
Surprisingly, there is also a sense of responsibility because I can be purposeful rather than getting caught up in the details or the petty emotional responses.
It is also isolating because so few people are at this place of calm and acceptance. Still, I am grateful for being at this place.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
how to find love
One thing I appreciate about dating is honing my theories about love every time I try to fall in love, regardless of the actual experience or the outcome.
Over time, I have found universal rules.
Number one is that in order to love, you must let go of all past hurts and pains. Our baggage takes up room and hinders our ability to welcome the perfect love.
The baggage comes from past love relationships, relationships with family, and past lives. It amazes me that some people with the most issues in love are the ones with the least amount of dating experience. Those past pains have prevented them from diving into love.
Our wounds are emotional responses and not part of our true selves. We must be gentle with ourselves and let go of those negative feelings.
I have been so lucky in finding love or trying to find love. I let go in order to be open for the next experience. I don't mind getting hurt because I am confidant that I will be fine no matter what happens. I will always have my true self and am ready to give unconditionally.
Over time, I have found universal rules.
Number one is that in order to love, you must let go of all past hurts and pains. Our baggage takes up room and hinders our ability to welcome the perfect love.
The baggage comes from past love relationships, relationships with family, and past lives. It amazes me that some people with the most issues in love are the ones with the least amount of dating experience. Those past pains have prevented them from diving into love.
Our wounds are emotional responses and not part of our true selves. We must be gentle with ourselves and let go of those negative feelings.
I have been so lucky in finding love or trying to find love. I let go in order to be open for the next experience. I don't mind getting hurt because I am confidant that I will be fine no matter what happens. I will always have my true self and am ready to give unconditionally.
Friday, January 16, 2009
full stride
One reason I love sports is that feeling of perfection once I reach proficiency.
To get to that point in a sport where I can just pick up and go is exhilarating. The hours of efforts (often in frustration) disappear, and my mind is focused on that sense of well being.
Life is like a sport, and at this moment, I feel that I am in that place of bliss. Perfection is a state of mind. It is the spirit that I bring to every situation and every relationship.
I don't have all the answers, but I trust that my intuition will guide me. I haven't figured it all out yet, but that's not the focus of my life any more.
I cannot control the people or the situations in my life, but life should just be about being in the moment. When I am on the slopes, I don't question the weather or the people around me. I just try to make my way down the mountain and make it my very own experience.
Letting go of expectations is still a daily struggle, but I embrace that aspect of myself fully. I understand that I am not suppose to know, and that is the best feeling in the world. The acceptance of not knowing.
My lack of expectations has allowed me to excel in some sports, so why not let go in my everyday life too and see what happens?
To get to that point in a sport where I can just pick up and go is exhilarating. The hours of efforts (often in frustration) disappear, and my mind is focused on that sense of well being.
Life is like a sport, and at this moment, I feel that I am in that place of bliss. Perfection is a state of mind. It is the spirit that I bring to every situation and every relationship.
I don't have all the answers, but I trust that my intuition will guide me. I haven't figured it all out yet, but that's not the focus of my life any more.
I cannot control the people or the situations in my life, but life should just be about being in the moment. When I am on the slopes, I don't question the weather or the people around me. I just try to make my way down the mountain and make it my very own experience.
Letting go of expectations is still a daily struggle, but I embrace that aspect of myself fully. I understand that I am not suppose to know, and that is the best feeling in the world. The acceptance of not knowing.
My lack of expectations has allowed me to excel in some sports, so why not let go in my everyday life too and see what happens?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
shaped by fate
Take away my job and I still have my identity. However, I never knew I cared so much about my career until I don't have a job any more.
People often tell me that they work more as a means to support their lifestyle/living expenses. I used to think that too. Not any more.
I see work as how I contribute as a human being. I take so much pride in my work and relish in the social aspect of work. In every job I had, ever since I was a babysitter in 9th grade, I put myself into that role. I try to make it the best part of me because I truly believe in the value of work.
Perhaps it is fate. If my marriage had worked out, I probably would be focused on havnig babies and taking care of the family by now. Instead, my lack of responsibilities gives me renewed focus on my career.
There is no right or wrong answers, only what is meant to be. I welcome this new purpose in my life.
People often tell me that they work more as a means to support their lifestyle/living expenses. I used to think that too. Not any more.
I see work as how I contribute as a human being. I take so much pride in my work and relish in the social aspect of work. In every job I had, ever since I was a babysitter in 9th grade, I put myself into that role. I try to make it the best part of me because I truly believe in the value of work.
Perhaps it is fate. If my marriage had worked out, I probably would be focused on havnig babies and taking care of the family by now. Instead, my lack of responsibilities gives me renewed focus on my career.
There is no right or wrong answers, only what is meant to be. I welcome this new purpose in my life.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
looking forward to look back
One of the best things about unemployment is making more time for my friends who are at least 10 years older. These men and women are at such different places in their lives. Some of them have partners, others single.
Ever since I was a kid, I have had older friends. From the nurses who worked for my father to the adult daughter of one of my guardians when I was a teen, I just meet cool characters along the way.
The equality of the friendship is no less than the friends who are within five years of me. In fact, I feel I have gotten more out of life because of my older friends.
Similarly, I am close to some of my younger relatives because I feel that connection through time. I am meant to give back by giving the attention that I have been given.
Funny how we are all connected...
Ever since I was a kid, I have had older friends. From the nurses who worked for my father to the adult daughter of one of my guardians when I was a teen, I just meet cool characters along the way.
The equality of the friendship is no less than the friends who are within five years of me. In fact, I feel I have gotten more out of life because of my older friends.
Similarly, I am close to some of my younger relatives because I feel that connection through time. I am meant to give back by giving the attention that I have been given.
Funny how we are all connected...
Monday, January 12, 2009
commitment
Congrats to D for her recent engagement!
I am always happy when friends find someone and get married. It is bliss to find someone to share and create a new life. At the same time, given where I am in life, I am so grateful to be single.
Having been married, I understand the role of wife changes a woman. In almost every marriage, the woman gives so much more because it is her nature to do so.
I am just a bit too selfish to give that much, so I over-compensate during dating. Many of my dating experiences crash and burn because that intensity is not sustainable. Ironically, my relationships usually end because the men feel overwhelmed by the attention, or I burnt out by the giving.
Until I can find that balance in being myself always, a long-term relationship will be imaginary.
Still, no regrets. Just as my married friends who can grow together with their partners, I am growing through dating. I don't feel that my dating life is any less valid than a long-term relationship, but I do face more judgment, which I pay little attention.
I enjoy men who behave at their best, and there is very little drama, especially in dealing with family and friends. There may be a day when I will find that life partner, but for now, falling in love or lust suits me, however brief.
I've accepted the possibility of just being single forever, and the freedom feels just fine...
I am always happy when friends find someone and get married. It is bliss to find someone to share and create a new life. At the same time, given where I am in life, I am so grateful to be single.
Having been married, I understand the role of wife changes a woman. In almost every marriage, the woman gives so much more because it is her nature to do so.
I am just a bit too selfish to give that much, so I over-compensate during dating. Many of my dating experiences crash and burn because that intensity is not sustainable. Ironically, my relationships usually end because the men feel overwhelmed by the attention, or I burnt out by the giving.
Until I can find that balance in being myself always, a long-term relationship will be imaginary.
Still, no regrets. Just as my married friends who can grow together with their partners, I am growing through dating. I don't feel that my dating life is any less valid than a long-term relationship, but I do face more judgment, which I pay little attention.
I enjoy men who behave at their best, and there is very little drama, especially in dealing with family and friends. There may be a day when I will find that life partner, but for now, falling in love or lust suits me, however brief.
I've accepted the possibility of just being single forever, and the freedom feels just fine...
Friday, January 9, 2009
a word about drama
I finally get that the best part of growing older is having the maturity to give.
At some point, my life means less, and it's about caring for others.
Recently, I found many parties with drama entering my life. The point of spiritual practice is to understand and accept. Drama is the opposite of that. Drama is a demand of attention from others.
I stopped being dramatic several years ago, so I am empathetic to why it happens. Still, I also understand that it is the journey for others to find their peace. All I can do is to offer acceptance and positive thoughts, and nothing more.
Hopefully, people will find that the drama disappears and all difficulties and uncertainty will be resolved if we simply give to others. Generosity is the answer to suffering, and joy appears naturally if we just accept ourselves.
At some point, my life means less, and it's about caring for others.
Recently, I found many parties with drama entering my life. The point of spiritual practice is to understand and accept. Drama is the opposite of that. Drama is a demand of attention from others.
I stopped being dramatic several years ago, so I am empathetic to why it happens. Still, I also understand that it is the journey for others to find their peace. All I can do is to offer acceptance and positive thoughts, and nothing more.
Hopefully, people will find that the drama disappears and all difficulties and uncertainty will be resolved if we simply give to others. Generosity is the answer to suffering, and joy appears naturally if we just accept ourselves.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I might just move to twitter
Why do some men refer to me by my initials in email? It's like the female version of "DUDE"...
the best movie of the year
Go see Revolutionary Road. It is my favorite movie of the year.
It also captures what I am feeling right now. It's so beautiful that I just want to cry, and that intensity is a constant. There is also an acceptance of that life is precious.
I love it when something makes me feel so alive.
It also captures what I am feeling right now. It's so beautiful that I just want to cry, and that intensity is a constant. There is also an acceptance of that life is precious.
I love it when something makes me feel so alive.
girlfriends
One research I read long ago was that for both men and women, the number one indicator of happiness was their female companionship.
Ever since that small piece of information, I focused on my female friendships. I am always doing things for them and focus just as much on girlfriends as dating men.
Now, thanks to all the support from my female friends, I feel that I can weather a lot more than without them.
Of course, I still long to find a best friend in a male partner, but cultivating my female friendships has turned out to be one of the best investments in life.
Ever since that small piece of information, I focused on my female friendships. I am always doing things for them and focus just as much on girlfriends as dating men.
Now, thanks to all the support from my female friends, I feel that I can weather a lot more than without them.
Of course, I still long to find a best friend in a male partner, but cultivating my female friendships has turned out to be one of the best investments in life.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
always the people
The last three jobs were decided by the people. I wanted to work with the people who hired me in each case, and the lessons from my supervisors were invaluable.
Today, I met with friends of mine who are artists in many mediums. They asked if I can help them with their projects in a marketing/PR capacity. I am working on the proposal to discuss the details with them on Friday.
Regardless of the outcome, I am happy about life because there have always been people to share my professional and personal endeavors.
Also feel very strongly about finding a man this year. It is as if I am finally ready to collaborate with someone on the home front...
Today, I met with friends of mine who are artists in many mediums. They asked if I can help them with their projects in a marketing/PR capacity. I am working on the proposal to discuss the details with them on Friday.
Regardless of the outcome, I am happy about life because there have always been people to share my professional and personal endeavors.
Also feel very strongly about finding a man this year. It is as if I am finally ready to collaborate with someone on the home front...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
acceptance
Read my entry from last January. What a difference a year made. I am still dating guys that are not quite right because I want to stay open-minded.
2008 has been good dating-wise. Will 2009?
One thing that is different this year is acceptance that I will have to be patient in finding the right person. I still feel the possibility of being single forever. It amuses me that I date so many romantics who have little understanding of true partnership.
Am I too old to grow with someone? Am I set in my ways and dating men so set in their ways that a true partnership is mere lip service? I hope not.
I do know that I am happier this year than last, so I must be doing something right, singlehood and all.
2008 has been good dating-wise. Will 2009?
One thing that is different this year is acceptance that I will have to be patient in finding the right person. I still feel the possibility of being single forever. It amuses me that I date so many romantics who have little understanding of true partnership.
Am I too old to grow with someone? Am I set in my ways and dating men so set in their ways that a true partnership is mere lip service? I hope not.
I do know that I am happier this year than last, so I must be doing something right, singlehood and all.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
to give is to receive
Had an amazing day trip to Tahoe yesterday. The drive in the storm on the way back was not pleasant, but it was easier with a near-new SUV rental. Of course, it was a blast to board on fresh powder. The black diamond runs felt like a breeze because there was little fear; falling on fresh snow is like landing on a pillow.
Although it was a 15-hour trip, I felt so energized. I am so lucky to always be able to find people to join me in my adventures!
People may think that I give so generously without getting much in return. Quite the contrary. I give in order to help realize my own dreams. Most of my adventures are financially possible because I found partners to help subsidize the experience.
There is no way I could have arrived at black diamond in boarding and skiing without all the friend who make the trips magical. I could not confidently drive to Tahoe in one day if there were not the delightful company along the way. The beauty of nature could not be so vibrant if not for another pointing out the views. Even the falls on the slopes turns to comical moments to laugh about together.
There is something magical about sharing life with kindred spirits.
Despite the uncertainty of career and love, I am the happiest I have ever been.
Who knew that life could be this good in its simplicity?
Although it was a 15-hour trip, I felt so energized. I am so lucky to always be able to find people to join me in my adventures!
People may think that I give so generously without getting much in return. Quite the contrary. I give in order to help realize my own dreams. Most of my adventures are financially possible because I found partners to help subsidize the experience.
There is no way I could have arrived at black diamond in boarding and skiing without all the friend who make the trips magical. I could not confidently drive to Tahoe in one day if there were not the delightful company along the way. The beauty of nature could not be so vibrant if not for another pointing out the views. Even the falls on the slopes turns to comical moments to laugh about together.
There is something magical about sharing life with kindred spirits.
Despite the uncertainty of career and love, I am the happiest I have ever been.
Who knew that life could be this good in its simplicity?
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